Sporting wishlist for festive cheer
Santa Claus really needs to get up with the times, his computer system and worldwide network are so easy to hack that a sports journalist sitting in Wellington can intercept his mail, some of which is very interesting.
All good for presents, thanks Santa. We have a top squad. This is our year. Keep the Faith.
Usually I ask for a black dress with a bib either side, so this year’s request is going to sound quite blokey. Santa, could I have a drill, some wall plaster, sandpaper (no, I’m not taking up cricket, thank you), a few gib board fasteners and one of those gadgets that helps find studs in a wall.
We had a disaster this year when a shelf fell down, and left holes in the wall the size of those we found in the Aussie defence at Liverpool. Our shelf held up when the World Cup trophies went up alongside the Pulse ones, but when I won more booty with the Swifts in Oz, the whole caboodle gave way and crashed to the floor. Talk about the Nightmare before Christmas!
Hi Santa, I can barely write coz my hands got so cold in Toronto, worse than an uninsulated home in Auckland. Brrrrr. I’m all good with the French though – after living in France I was able to translate ref Jerome Garces saying ‘‘c’est un carton rouge nombre 12’’ to me against the Lions in Wellington. Anyway, that’s in the past. I would like a pair of snowshoes, some ice skates and an ice hockey stick, please. I’m gonna try out for the Toronto Maple Leafs in the NHL. You seen what those guys get paid? As an expert at living in the snow and ice, anything else you reckon will help me settle in would be ace.
Hey Santa, it’s a bit odd seeing you working so hard, when it’s my off season. Speaking of an off season, wow, 2019 was a shocker for me. I’m world No 39. So I was watching Dr Who on my phone and there was this Tardis thing, which transports you back in time. What a great idea for a present I thought, it could whistle me right back to 2015 when I was world No 1. Or I could pop Jin Young Ko and Sung Hyun Park into it, and send them off to another season. Maybe that’s a bit mean? Yeah, nah.
Hey Santa, I’ve sent those reindeer driving tips you wanted. Now you’ll be able to whizz through your lap of the world faster. The key is to pick good lines as you’re weaving through the Himalayas, and not hit any of the peaks. A guided missile that homes in on anything without a Shell logo, and selfsealing and inflating tires would be a great start. A voice-controlled Instagram app, so I can send social media to Scott Pye from the driver’s seat would be fun – he’s usually so far behind he’ll have plenty of time to read them and admire my pictures of the open road in front.
Dear Santa, I hope you are well bro. Two things please. Round one: some spider repellent so I don’t get bitten again. Round two: something that attracts boxing promoters so I can get back to hitting people for millions of dollars. Done.