Greatest hits and myths of a long marriage

allow the big decisions to be made. My view There’s no end of diversions at wedding receptions nowadays and a recent wedding I attended was no exception. Seated at table five, my companions and I were provided with a pretty notebook and asked to write some words of wisdom for the newly married couple to squirrel away and read on their fifth wedding anniversary.

I’m a little ashamed to admit that I did not put pen to paper.

I blame the good company and the generous quantities of fine wine with which we had been toasting the newly wed pair. And perhaps, as my husband is often remarking in an exasperated tone, I need to get my hearing tested, because I don’t think I heard the MC’s task instructions.

I asked myself later, when I guiltily realised I had ignored the pretty notebook, do I have anything useful to pass on in the way of advice, encouragement or wisdom?

Even though husband Steve and I are coming up to our 44th wedding anniversary, on some days it feels as if we have never properly understood each other. On the plus side, I guess this keeps things fresh between us – there’s always something new to discover!

That latter statement is where I’d start with advice that might be useful at the five-year-in point.

Don’t imagine you or your partner’s personalities, interests, proclivities or enthusiasms are set in amber the day you marry. What you see is not necessarily what you’re going to get, especially if you stay together for the long haul.

And since I’ve raised the notion of change, don’t expect that you will be able to change your partner’s habits and behaviours.

In my long experience, someone who doesn’t want to tidy up their tools and garden equipment never will, unless they decide to make the change themselves.

If a littered garage, garden shed and verandah annoy, the only thing you can change is your attitude towards the problem. Learn to ignore those rusty drifts of nails and abandoned hedge clippers and you’ll both be much happier.

Relationships are dynamic systems that don’t ever reach stasis. The two of you will either be moving forwards or backwards in togetherness and happiness, depending on how you manage your life together.

A successful relationship moves forwards more than it moves backwards, so you need to keep working together every day to find ways to make the positive dominate.

How do the pair of you move forward?

Give each other enough space to be independent individuals and then enjoy having chosen to team up.

Have fun together. Don’t underestimate the importance of this one. It’s all too easy to fall into the daily grind of work, family and obligations and forget why you got together in the first place.

There are all degrees of fun too, from things like rating date scones in local cafes to going on adventures to exotic locations. Make sure that you always have something fun on the horizon that you can look forward to together.

Encourage each other. Listen to each other. Put yourself in your partner’s shoes for a bit.

You will disagree. You will argue, sometimes bitterly. And your relationship will survive.

But here are a couple of things I’ve learnt about marital conflict:

Doing nothing is doing something, a useful paradox to keep in mind when avoiding and ignoring an issue seems like the easiest thing to do. Doing nothing is not neutral; it has consequences all of its own which will come back later to haunt you.

And you know that old saw about never going to sleep on an argument? It’s rubbish.

Some of the worst arguments I remember, the kind that degenerate into dredging up ancient insults and slinging around sarcasm and unfounded criticism, blew up when we were both very tired. Call a truce and go to bed.

Things will, I guarantee, look different and very likely better in the morning. Perspective will have been gained and proportion acquired.

Was a mutual meltdown over the cost of a storage solution in the bathroom really necessary? No it was not, you agree over coffee; in the fresh morning light, you both feel able to compromise.

Now you can set off to work feeling slightly ashamed of last night’s pointless blow-up, resolved to behave better in the future and relieved that you’re both moving forward.

I don’t know whether or not a couple five years married would find the above helpful. Every relationship has its own unique ecology and it’s a very brave person who presumes to think they have all the answers about something as complex and dynamic as two peoples’ attempt to live together on a long-term basis.

But it’s what I know after 44 years of marriage to the same person. And we’re still moving forward together.