Clobbered by the staff of life – a breadless existence is no picnic
obody’s died from not having bread.’’ – Julianne Taylor, Auckland nutritionist Stick around, Julianne.
The fan of the Paleo diet popped up recently defending ‘‘Paleo Pete’’ Evans. He’s a celebrity chef – a subspecies that Charles Darwin couldn’t explain.
Julianne shuns highly refined grains, which are the basic ingredient of the ‘‘staff of life’’. She’s also on a crusade against sugar and processed foods. I’ll carry her banner for that.
In addition to wheat, Paleos banish corn, rice, dairy, legumes, vegetable oils and alcohol – which might not kill you, but it leaves stuff-all reason to live. But bread? We need to talk . . .
‘‘The hunger for love is much more difficult to remove than the hunger for bread.’’ – Mother Teresa
I speak from a heart grown fonder by absence. The cursed gluten has vetoed my access to real bread. The gluten-free substitute is three times the price, and while it fulfils my primal urge for toast at dawn, it’s, well, frumpy.
If old dungarees could be reconstituted into food, they’d taste like GF bread. How I long to crunch through a baguette crust into its fluffy interior, or inhale the fragrant herbs of a focaccia. My body would punish me later.
‘‘The smell of good bread baking, like the sound of lightly flowing water, is indescribable in its evocation of innocence and delight.’’ – Mary Fisher, US author
I haven’t baked my own bread in yonks. It’s a ritual that indicates a life in good balance. And Mary forgot to mention the taste of fresh bread – divine.
When my mother sent me to the village shop to buy our ‘‘staff’’, she knew it would arrive with a little mouse hole in the ‘‘heel-end’’, or crust, punctured for a nibble.
Some hungers endure into adulthood. My first visit to Melbourne, with its legions of good, cheap eateries, introduced a foodie paradise that even this non-foodie genuflected to, pre-GF. The ‘‘hallelujah’’ moment was finding a bakery/cafe where the aromas of fresh bread and coffee formed a heavenly union.
Years later, I unearthed a similar nirvana in downtown Wellington. They are around. Seek them out. When you find one, raise a mortgage and buy a corner table.
‘‘A loaf of bread, a jug of wine, and thou.’’ – Omar Khayyam
The thing is, Omar, if you quaff the wine, you aren’t going to be much use to the thou. As for the loaf – no argument there, mate. My advice for a chilly night in the desert: stoke up the brazier, slice some blue cheese, spread the pesto, pour a glass of good red, and raincheck your entire harem.
‘‘How can a nation be called great if its bread tastes like Kleenex?’’ – Julia Child
The American diva of diet found her salvation in France and, with missionary zeal, tried to enlighten her compatriots back home. Alas, America’s contributions to world cuisine are fast food, sickly sweetness, gluttony and obesity (all exported worldwide). Oh, and flogging fad diets like Paleo.
‘‘If you get to that point where you can’t hold a drumstick properly, there are many other things in life which are far more important, like cutting a loaf of bread or a piece of cheese.’’ – Phil Collins, drummer
Amen, Phil. Have a word with Omar and he’ll pop your album on during his idyllic midnight at the oasis.
"I am the bread of life.’’ – John 6:35
Back up there, John. The bread of life is mortal peril for celiacs, who put my pathetic moaning into context as a very small violin. And we are both upstaged by diabetics imprisoned in a sugar glut.
I’m ashamed to say diabetics’ struggle with their shackled diet used to confuse me. Now I understand. Bread may be off limits, but that heightens the lust. Forbidden fruit, as the Bible termed it.
‘‘Give us this day our daily bread.’’ – Matthew 6:11
Oh, stop. Now my juices are flowing. Barmbrack and soda farls, warm from the pan and dripping in butter. Naan wrapped around a succulent chicken curry. Gouda with chives on ciabatta. Jam melting into cream on a steaming scone ... damn the torpedoes – I’m going in.
Footnote: My apologies for a quotefest, but we started with one and it procreated. To be precise, ‘‘the staff of life’’ doesn’t appear in The Bible. It’s a mash of several quotes.
Such malpractice is common. Bogey never says ‘‘Play it again, Sam’’ in Casablanca, astronaut Jim Lovell did not utter ‘‘Houston, we have a problem’’ on Apollo 13 (though Tom Hanks does in the movie), and Marie Antoinette did not decree ‘‘Let them eat cake’’.
French philosopher JeanJacques Rousseau deserves credit for the last, though. According to mentalfloss.com, he wasn’t talking about Marie, or cake. His phrase was, ‘‘Let them eat brioche’’.
Thanks for nothing, JeanJacques. Twist the bread-knife in me, why don’t you?