A father’s story

Mark* has been split from his wife for two years but now he’s suddenly faced with a battle to retain custody of his children – a battle which he says is a lonely one for men. Stu Hunt reports.

Mark is a father of four. He’s tall and strongly built but he talks in a gentle and measured way.

When the conversation turns to his children his voice softens even more and the emotional toll of what he’s having to deal with becomes very clear.

Mark split up with the mother of his children two years ago and he is about to enter the Family Court process to iron out a custody agreement.

The way he puts it he left the relationship but he never left his kids.

‘‘At every hurdle I’ve done everything for my kids. I’m proud of that and I will continue to do that. But I’ve lost a lot of money, a lot of sleep, it’s savage man. It impacts you hugely, it makes you feel degraded.’’

He says he made the decision to leave after reaching the realisation that it was an unhealthy relationship.

‘‘I lost myself through that relationship and had to return to source to get well. The mother is hurting as well and that’s not done yet.

‘‘Everyone outside that relationship, their perspective leant towards the mother who needed the support.’’

Mark says he is considerate of that, but says everyone in that situation is in need of support.

‘‘The kids, the parents, the friends and extended family. And anyone else who is familiar with that type of event in their life.

‘‘There’s a web of people’s experiences and perceptions that are in need of being attended to, it’s hard man.’’

One of the hardest things of all though was not knowing where to get help.

‘‘There isn’t the support out there for guys.’’

Mark says he was seriously diminished from the stress of the past two years and the years prior as the relationship broke down.

‘‘There was nowhere to get help.’’

He says finding help and support has only really been achieved in the past four months, after he reached out and said enough is enough.

Mark says he’s slowly been able to move forward after counselling arranged through his GP ‘‘to deal with pain and complexities associated with this.’’

In terms of the custody arrangement he says the distance in perspectives between him and his ex is too great and it’s not possible to bridge it, so now it’s down to trying to navigate a way forward that is least harmful for everyone.

‘‘But the harm has already been done.’’

Mark says he has tried to patiently find a way through the parenting arrangement with the mother of the children but continual delays just frustrated the process.

Despite attempts to work it out amicably he was recently served with a interim parenting order which he says blindsided him.

‘‘It had accusations of conduct or manner I have no connection to. I have never been an aggressive violent or threatening person.’’

Once the order had been served he had seven days to respond.

‘‘I spent four days at a table reading and writing in what I saw as a fight for my children and a fight for my integrity.’’

He pulled together a 24-page document in four days as he tried to unpack what was before him.

The next step in the process is a directions conference which will address the first application filed by the mother to reduce Mark’s access to the children.

But Mark says that process is leaving the children confused.

‘‘Their needs and desires to spend more time with me are being ignored by their mother and that’s why she has put up that parenting order.

He says he has abided by the conditions in the parenting order. The previous parenting agreement included phone contact every 3-4 days which the mother said was too difficult and reduced it to text messages only, without Mark’s consent.

‘‘There is now no phone contact at all with kids, no sharing of information about kids and my overall time with kids has been reduced by almost 20 per cent due to the court accepting her without notice application.

‘‘That (texting) has no meaning to a child, that’s not dad’s voice. ‘I can’t talk to dad, I can’t text dad I can’t read those letters and words’. How is there meaning in that for a child?’’

Mark will be representing himself in court and remains cautious.

‘‘I’m fearful of people who do not know our family and our kids making decisions for them and for us. I hope our kids get what they need.

‘‘I’ve seen bad decisions made through lots of services and it’s the people whose lives are affected pay the price for that.’’

Throughout this time he says he has experienced financial hardship.

Against all advice thinking it was the right thing for the children, Mark opted for a 35/65 split on the property settlement.

‘‘I started with nothing, debt and a broken vehicle. But I knew I had potential because I was in a management role and earning well, it was about what was important for the kids.

‘‘Us adults we’re capable of coping with stuff, kids not so much.’’

He says the father still carries a mantle of being a protector and a gatherer who earns and supports the family group.

‘‘It’s not something that’s embedded in me, I’m a bit more dynamic than that. When you go into the court setting perhaps some of those qualities are less relevant and could easily be picked apart and criticised.’’

Mark says he doesn’t know what it’s going to be like in the process going forward but he believes that he has presented thoughtful ideas that would work for everyone.

From his own professional experience, when fathers are involved and genuinely involved then things are quite a bit different in the family home.

‘‘Fathers who are genuinely invested in their wellbeing and future and have love for their kids such as I need to be involved.’’