A grandmother’s view
When Nancy’s* son and daughter-in-law split she tried to be as supportive as she could. But in the end that cost her a relationship with her grandson. Stu Hunt reports.
Nancy is a grandmother. Her house is immaculate, warm, safe and solid. Tapestries adorn the walls and family photos grace the shelves.
It’s also the sort of house that a grandchild would feel completely secure in and love going to. But that can no longer happen.
Nancy has been forced to watch from the sidelines, frustrated and largely powerless, as her son and his ex-wife have been caught up in a battle for custody of their two children. Her grandchildren.
She barely keeps her emotions in check as she speaks of an experience that has left her sceptical of the custody process and wishing that common sense would prevail.
Nancy’s son is an alcoholic. She speaks with pride of the fact that since December 2015 he has been sober and that he got there largely under his own steam.
She’s also proud of the fact that he and his ex-wife have put aside their differences for the sake of the children, their daughter and a son from a previous relationship.
But their relationship was a turbulent one. With the drinking came domestic violence and one night it all came to a head when her son threatened to kill his wife in a fit of drunken rage.
‘‘She chose to stay that night despite what had happened because she was frightened to leave.’’
In the morning, while her husband was still asleep, she left the house with her daughter and called the police.
Nancy says that ultimately her daughter-in-law was criticised by those charged with protecting families for choosing to stay. But she felt she had no choice since they lived rurally and she was afraid she would have been chased down.
‘‘She was genuinely afraid and from all the statements I can believe it, this is my son, I can be objective about it.
‘‘I’m proud that she took the steps she did to do something about it. I had been trying to get him into alcohol assistance. We had been trying to work it out as a family.’’
Nancy’s son was arrested immediately and held in custody.
She said that for him to have been bailed she would have had to take him and she refused. A decision that no mother takes lightly, but Nancy said she had to think of the grandchildren.
Oranga Tamariki, which was then still Child Youth and Family, insisted mother and daughter live with Nancy for six months before they would allow her to live on her own.
Nancy says that the hardest thing for her to accept was that while her daughter-in-law was a victim she was and still is being treated like a perpetrator. The only thing she did wrong was not flee at the time and wait until it was safe.
‘‘I don’t know how she stayed sane through all of the on-going stress of the past two years,’’ said Nancy.
That matter went to court and family conferences were held ‘‘that were huge and included people being allowed to make statements about her ability to be a safe grandmother and what contact she should have with the grandchildren, which in turn have been perpetuated by others.’’
Nancy said she was then accused by his father of allowing abuse to happen to her grandson.
‘‘I was so gobsmacked and it was so tense in that room, there was so much shouting and all sorts of stuff going on that I couldn’t formulate an answer to that.
‘‘How could I protect that child when he was not living with me.’’
‘‘From that moment on I was the bad grandparent. I’m not allowed to see him now. Seeing me might remind him of my son.’’
Nancy said as the children’s grandmother she has no right to speak and it has affected her relationship with her grandchildren and daughter-in-law.
‘‘I have no power, no right of recourse, no way of clearing my name. It’s total frustration and I don’t know where to go.’’
Nancy says she has been left feeling heartbroken and that she’s not trustworthy.
"I worked with hundreds of children over the past 32 years and yet I’m not trusted with one little family member.’’
‘‘How else can I prove I have my grandchildren’s best interests at heart?’’