Diving gamesmanship is the way forward, yeah right!
Hasn’t the football World Cup been incredible?! Superstars Messi, Ronaldo and Neymar strutting their golden-balled brilliance in front of packed Russian stadiums of over-emotional fans.
Once again the beautiful game has been a shining example of how all athletes should aspire to play; with honesty, integrity and respect … as long as they win.
Sure there’s been rugby like tackling, tantrums and the kind of diving that only an amateur dramatic society with a very slippery floor would find acceptable. But this is the greatest sport in the world!
With this is mind I’ve decided that it’s time New Zealand sporting teams adopted some of these tactics. We’re just a little too honest for my liking. Gamesmanship is the way forward. Let’s start with the White Ferns who are currently playing a T20 tri-series against England and South Africa.
It’s now obvious they’re going about it all wrong. For a start, records are over-rated. Why Suzie Bates and her team have bothered to smash and bowl their way to new and impressive ODI and T20 records is beyond me. It’s a waste of energy when they should be saving themselves for the next game.
As we saw in the flaccid match between France and Denmark, soporific football is completely acceptable if you’re playing for a nil-all draw to ensure your position in the final 16.
No one likes a try hard, so stop trying. There was no apology needed which is good because neither team felt the need. Fans who booed at half and fulltime after spending a fortune on flights, tickets and accommodation need to focus on the big picture. That’s why the saying is ‘that’s just not cricket’ instead of ‘that’s just not football’. It is football. Get over it.
I’m sure White Fern all-rounder Amelia Kerr is kicking herself that she didn’t make more effort to bump into the opposition and fall to the wicket during her unbeaten 232.
Smashing balls to and over the fence is all very nice but the crowd wants drama and time wasting. That’s what they pay for. Getting hit by a ball and staying on your feet is unnatural. It’s not Kerr’s fault. She is 17 going on 18 and and needs someone older, wiser telling her what to do.
Pepe is an old dog with some very dramatic tricks. The Portuguese defender doesn’t let such things as global ridicule get in the way of his team’s survival. When he flailed his way to the ground after being patted on the back by a Moroccan player, I could only stand back and admire his genius and bravery.
Former England striker Gary Lineker called him a dick but I thought it was a nuanced performance of Shakespearian proportions. I believe they call it a tragi-comedy.
And cricketer Suzie Bates has really let herself down. As the captain of the White Ferns it’s up to her to wave her arms around and get in the face of the umpire. It’s a shame they don’t have to run off the field and check the little replay screen like the World Cup referees.
Knowing Fifa’s generosity, there’s probably a little tray of caviar and champagne sitting there for the longer revues.
Bates really should be studying Shortland Street or a class of six year-olds hyped up on sugar to get the right dramatic tone when screaming at the umpire. Calm respect makes terrible telly.
The Ferns will have two matches on the same day this week to decide who goes through to the T20 triseries final.
Again, bit silly because the men don’t do that. Must’ve been a woman who made that call.
Would be great if someone could put a montage together of the best play acting, diving and tantrum throwing from the tournament. Would be helpful for the rest of the world’s best athletes to see how the best go about their work. And I’m sure all the players involved will want to show their friends and family some of the proudest moments of their careers.
I’m sure you, like me would love to salute them in the way football legend Maradona saluted the Nigerian fans when his beloved Argentina scored their winning goal; both middle fingers raised in a sign of respect. England will be thrilled he has learned how to use two hands instead of one in a World Cup match.