A long life less ordinary
According to Statistics New Zealand, you are more likely to suffer death or serious injury through acts of self-harm than assaults, and twice as likely to be seriously hurt or killed in a fall than in a car accident. For the risk-averse, statistics like these are of limited use. We already know that we’ll stay alive and injury-free a lot longer if we don’t hurt ourselves, avoid being attacked, don’t fall over, and spend as little time on the road as possible.
Statisticians are interested in ‘‘the train of morbid events leading directly to death, or the circumstances of violence which produces a fatal injury’’. Ordinary folk just want to know how to stay safe. To fill that need, I have written a series of practical, jargon-free guides to avoiding premature death or serious injury.
A word on my unique methodology: the data upon which my guides are based has been derived solely from the crime shows currently available on Netflix. Statistics NZ does not favour this approach, but as we spend more and more time online, I think my methodology will soon become mainstream.
Here’s an excerpt from my first book: Danger! A Brief Guide To Longevity In A Perilous World:
VEHICLES: Even Statistics NZ knows that vehicles are dangerous. However, that organisation is concerned with the accidental, rather than the intentional use of vehicles to maim and kill.
Cars, unmarked white vans and long-distance trucks in particular are often utilised by abductors, murderers and the agents of foreign powers. They use them to transport or confine their victims and as a handy place of execution. Because murderers and assassins typically utilise stolen vehicles, they have few qualms about ruining the upholstery.
Additional risks are posed by high-speed chases and underground car parks (see also Darkness).
Avoid entering a vehicle whenever possible (especially the boot) unless the car is your only means of escape from the lonely farmhouse (see also Remote or Disused Buildings) where you are being held for ransom. For this reason, it’s vital that your car is well-maintained and has a reliable battery.
Be wary if a windowless van parks outside your house – unless it belongs to the tradesman you’ve been expecting for a month. You should be suspicious of cars occupied by men wearing balaclavas who eat a lot of takeaways but never take a toilet break. They may only be undercover cops, but they may also be hitmen.
FORESTS: Do not enter any forest, ever. Scandinavian forests are of particular concern. Nothing good ever happens in spruce and pine forests, especially if the moon is casting blueish shadows, or it’s snowing.
DARKNESS & DAMPNESS: Never enter a place which is dark or underlit, particularly if you hear ominous drumbeats. Basements, attics, alleys and underground car parks are of immediate concern, but disused factories, warehouses, and almost anywhere in New York or Scandinavia is also risky (see also Forests). Damp places should also be avoided. Hypothermia is an added risk if you are chained in places which are damp as well as dark. Stay away from swamps, canals, and of course, dungeons.
REMOTE OR DISUSED BUILDINGS: Beware the woodsy cabin by the lake, the farmhouse on a remote Shetland island, or the shabby stately home in the English countryside. There’s no-one to hear you scream.
Ditto crawlspaces, wells, and disused garages. Wherever you are, assume the worst if you spot manacles bolted to a wall, or artful arrangements of hypodermic syringes, pliers, electric drills and rolls of gaffer tape. A straight-back chair illuminated by a shaft of sunlight shining through a cobwebbed, broken skylight is also a very bad sign.
MOTELS & HOTELS: Hostelries should offer succour and safe refuge. They don’t. Many of your fellow guests will criminally inclined or psychopaths, or both.
Don’t trust the concierge or the desk clerk. They may be in on the act. In the US particularly, avoid cheap roadside motels, especially if the carpets and bedspreads are brown and the TV is black and white. Decline any room overlooked by a flashing neon sign with one letter missing. Don’t bathe or take a shower. Bad things always happen in showers and bathtubs.
RESTAURANTS: Restaurants, like hotels and motels, suggest safety and refreshment but often deliver the opposite. Italian restaurants are problematical. Gingham tablecloths and candles in Chianti bottles signal Mafia activity.
Restaurant kitchens can be lethal places, and not just because of poor food hygiene. On the positive side, they can provide an escape route if a shootout occurs. Familiarise yourself with the kitchen layout and the location of the walk-in refrigerator (avoid), and identify a door which opens on to the street. You should probably also avoid Italian barbershops.
Also available in the series: Dangerous People, Dangerous Activities, and Dangerous Liaisons. Great gifts for friends and family, unless you’d prefer them dead.
Read more at www.greyurbanist.com
Statisticians are interested in ‘‘the train of morbid events leading directly to death’’ . . . Ordinary folk just want to know how to stay safe.