Welcome to New Zealand’s South Celebrity Island
The Government expects tourism revenue to soar thanks to the creation of a world-first island dedicated to celebrity-host tourism.
‘‘It’s obviously the booming sector,’’ the Minister for Tourism, Max Returns, told a news conference. ‘‘Switch on the telly and you are saturated with stars and has-beens hosting travel shows. We reckon it’s the ultimate selfie.
‘‘So, the Cabinet and I thought, why not provide a dedicated ‘sanctuary’ for them all.
‘‘The South Island didn’t seem to be doing much, and it’s a perfect fit for our nation’s journey to prosperity.’’
From next year, entry to the Mainland will be restricted to film crews fronted by celebrities who have appeared in movies (B-grade upwards), on a soap (two-episode minimum), cooking shows (if we must) and game shows (including The Project and Seven Sharp because you have to be game to watch them).
Preference will be given to overseas celebs, for reasons of cultural insecurity.
They must be able to ride old trains, three-wheeled hippythrowback motorbikes, electric skateboards, unicycles, rowboats in trios of men, or walk if absolutely necessary – all the while talking to camera and pretending to be alone or in peril.
‘‘The only ‘peril’ is keeping the director, assistant director, camera/ sound operators, stylist, trauma doctor and a tropical diseases specialist out of shot,’’ Max snorted. ‘‘You’ve gotta love it.’’
An ability to express complex issues in platitudes is a distinct advantage. Likewise, impromptu cooking lessons with local produce.
Impromptu wit can be supplied, via Skype, by a team of gag-writers back in their country of origin.
To enhance the visitor experience, residency of locals in the Mainland will be restricted to quirky eccentrics or historical experts who can dispense a couple of shallow soundbites, and who are less attractive than the host.
Existing residents who do not meet these criteria will be gradually eased out under a sinking-lid policy.
‘‘The scenery is magnificent,’’ said Max.
‘‘Plonk a celebrity in front of it and we’re laughing all the way to the Treasury.
‘‘Plus, the South already has a sizeable population of former celebrities, judging by court appearances, so the visiting luminaries can pop in on them for a ‘Whatever happened to ...’ segment.’’
The renamed South Celebrity Island would generate massive income, Max added.
‘‘We’re talking hundreds of celebrities, plus film crews, all touring the world at any given moment.
‘‘We’ve applied to the United Nations for World Celebrity Heritage status, and I’m told it should bolt in because other countries can’t wait to get shot of them.
‘‘Long term, we’re thinking of ringing the island in a high fence to prevent escapes.’’
Joanna Lumley is expected to lead the first coach tour, with alumni such as Michael Palin, Rick Stein, the woman who used to be in thingee, and that Scottish bloke in a pashmina on her passenger list.
The back half of the coach has been reserved for Stephen Fry and his clones – confirming universal suspicion that there is more than one of him.
Coaches will tour known celeb hang-outs, with frequent stops so that visiting celebs can interview local celebs.
A series of celebrity challenges is also planned, such as a 100m dash soliloquy, underwater autograph signing and selfie smiling marathons, Max revealed.
Commercial tie-ins include a Celeb board game where you throw dice and hop your chosen celeb figurine through tourist attractions, plus a series of children’s books called Where’s the Wally, hidden among crowds of celebs dressed in designer garb that receives a generous plug in the credits.
‘‘Simon Reeve will cover the renegade celeb territory, Robson Green has signed on for a spot of fishing off Kaikoura, Ross Kemp is itching to tear through Mapua in a big black SUV as part of his new series Not Particularly Extreme World, and Alexis Polizzi will run her steely eye over the local freedom camping spots to check that they’re up to scratch,’’ said Max.
Environmentalists are worried, however, that all this activity on South Celebrity Island will put sensitive ecosystems under pressure. Film crews might trample vegetation, melt glaciers with powerful lighting, or coerce endangered birds into cuddles with guests.
The CAA has voiced concerns about the danger to commercial aviation from skies full of drones shooting footage, and the West Coast Slightly Dodgy Characters Association fears the closure of more coalmines.
‘‘These are minor issues and can all be addressed,’’ said Max. ‘‘We shouldn’t lose sight of the payoffs, and global exposure from celebs will attract even more celebs.
‘‘There’s also a huge educational factor because some of them will be on historical journeys retracing the footsteps of our pioneering explorers.’’
Would that be Kupe, a journalist asked. Or Captain Cook?
‘‘No, Alan Whicker. Okay, I’d never heard of him either, but my grandad says he was a legend back in the day. And his fondness for luxury cruiseships was way ahead of his time.’’
Max said tourism was the backbone of the economy, now that dairying had developed a stoop.
‘‘People love our 100% Pure image. Sure, a few cynical eggheads think celeb travel shows are 100% Pure BS, but that’s television.’’
Long term, we’re thinking of ringing the island in a high fence to prevent escapes.