Paranoid to pushy: Spot the parent
You’re probably familiar with the term ‘‘helicopter’’ parents – those who hover around their children waiting to scoop them up at the first sign of trouble. Then there are ‘‘snowplough’’ parents, who attempt to clear all obstacles in their kids’ paths.
When many of us were growing up, the only parenting types were strict and not strict, but now there are as many styles as there are chip flavours in the supermarket, so here are some of them.
Campervan parents
Their priority is not being seen to be hypocritical or uncool, because they want their children to be around them, and they want to be doing what the children are doing. The children of campervan parents will have a lot of mates ‘‘staying over’’ in their own beds.
How to spot: Many teenagers around the kitchen table all the time.
Lawnmower parents
Dad mows the lawn, refs the mini rugby and has an opinion on having boyfriends to stay overnight, etc. Mum is super-reliable, a good listener and technology limiter, and will never get sloppy after a white wine binge and tell everyone about the time she got off with a boy band member.
How to spot: They are watching Sex Education, separately from the kids, to check it’s appropriate.
Four-wheel-drive parents
We’re familiar with these and their reputation for mounting pavements as they deliver little Felix and Aster right to the door of the school, where they serve pea-shoot guacamole at break and keep the class tortoise in a Chanel box. The world outside your triple-reinforced front door is hostile and dirty, and staying in the bubble is the only safe option.
How to spot: The kids call the nanny ‘‘staff’’.
Tank parents
One on from the FWD, tanks will actively interfere in the natural order of things (aka Felicity Huffman-ing) and will break the law or tread on the bodies of other children to get theirs to where they think they should be.
How to spot: They hire super-tutors after school and gifted sixth-form athletes to play tennis with their children.
Fire-engine parents
Liberal and laid-back until there is a crisis, then they go full Tank and park themselves on the lawn of whatever establishment has let their offspring down and dig in for a siege. They usually win.
How to spot: Often in the principal’s office wearing sunglasses.
Sports-car parents
There’s really only room for two. The children, however young, must fit in with the long lunches, shopping trips and romantic mini-breaks to spa hotels. The kids dream of camping holidays and Nando’s, and they can dream on. Maybe the au pair will take them one day.
How to spot: At a boutique day spa.
Supermarket-trolley parents
Happy to admit half the contents of their weekly shopping trolley have been put there by one of the twins. Their style is hands-off, sometimes hung-over, and more head down than organised.
How to spot: Poolside at an after-school swimming club, texting.
Scruffy-car parents
Scruffy-car parents do their bit, but also take the view that, as long as the dogs get fed and walked, everything will work out. This has bred just the right amount of selfsufficiency in their children, who find other parents neurotic and suffocating.
How to spot: Glued to Love Island .–