Manifesting love

The idea that the power of positive thinking will manifest the love of your life is hot right now. Karen Nimmo looks at the myth and the reality.

‘Iam ready to find lasting love,’’ my client said. In her 40s, she had her share of lovers but had never had a committed long-term relationship. After peeling back some layers in therapy, and understanding more about who she was as a partner and in relationships, she was up for putting her knowledge into practice.

She described her game plan.

‘‘Have you heard of manifestation? I’m going to apply it to love. I know I can make it happen.’’

As psychologists do, I kept my surprise to myself.

But she did find someone and, years later, they are still happily together.

Can you manifest love?

‘‘Manifest your lover’’ is trending on video-sharing app TikTok, meaning that people looking for love are devouring advice on how to attract that special someone.

That advice includes repeating ‘‘love affirmations’’, writing love letters to yourself and compiling detailed checklists on what you are seeking in a ‘‘high-value partner’’.

It is the latest spin on manifestation, an old pseudoscience concept,which suggests what you focus your energy on will come back to you. In this case, lasting, non-cheating love and a partner you deserve.

Manifestation was originally peddled as the ‘‘law of attraction’’. Its roots are in ancient practices and Eastern teachings, but it took the self-help world by storm in 2006 with Rhonda Byrne’s bestseller, The Secret.

The book and the law of attraction’s core message is that you attract what you think about; your thoughts can change the course of your life, for better or for worse.

But the concept has had many detractors, primarily that it hasn’t been rigorously tested so there is no scientific evidence to back it. Success stories are largely anecdotal.

It has also been scorned for victim-blaming – unfairly burdening people with personal responsibility for all the bad things that happen to them.

All the same, manifestation has many fans. And, in the arena of love, it has a powerful allure. The idea that you can ‘‘think’’ your way to a soulmate is hugely attractive, especially to those vulnerable in romance.

Psychologists are sceptical. Although it is widely agreed there is an art to good therapy, psychological work is based on scientific evidence. We tend to avoid stepping into ‘‘woo’’ territory unless it is an area of personal expertise.

Additionally, we hear so many stories of people’s pain and suffering that have not been ‘‘thought’’ – or attracted – into reality.

Tragedy and hardship come from multiple sources – genetics, our environment, life events and experiences and just being in the wrong place at the wrong time. Sometimes with the wrong person.

People are not responsible for all the difficult things that happen to them. They have not ‘‘manifested’’ them into their lives and it is wrong to blame them for it.

Pseudoscience aside, there is much to be said for optimising your life for the best possible outcomes,including love.

If you quiz people on how they found their romantic partners, you will find the same answers come up repeatedly: through their family or friends, at work, online and in environments where they share interests, culture, values and the like.

But, even in those stories, chance – timing – is a big player.

While my client believed she could ‘‘manifest’’ love, she didn’t hand all her power to the law of attraction. She didn’t rely solely on her thoughts to draw a partner to her.

Instead, she played smart, using these simple guidelines to give her the best chance of finding someone who was good for, and to, her.

Know who you are in love

Spend time getting to know who you are as a partner, your strengths, vulnerabilities, sensitivities, reactions and behaviours. What do you value about yourself and what do you need to work on? You can do this work through therapy or your own research and reading. This is especially important if you have been hurt in previous relationships. Everyone has baggage but it is important to leave as much of it as possible behind.

Go where you need to be

Environment is the biggest influence in finding love. Where can you increase the odds of meeting someone? At sport? With friends? Online? Then, without being obsessive, spend plenty of time there.

Throw out the checklist

This doesn’t mean dating people who are your polar opposites or who will potentially be bad for you. It means knowing what qualities are important to you in a partner and your dealbreakers. What can’t you live with?

I have had clients write detailed ‘‘love checklists’’ and it almost never works out as planned. Love shows up in myriad ways so it is good to stay open to possibilities. Be flexible: the love of your life may be in a surprise package.

Know you are worth it

If there is any mantra worth repeating, it is this: ‘‘I deserve to be loved well.’’ Because that is true of everyone.

If there is any mantra worth repeating, it is this: ‘I deserve to be loved well.’ Because that is true of everyone.