HOW TO TELL IF YOU'VE EMOTIONALLY QUIT YOUR RELATIONSHIP
You’re out – except you’re not.
You feel like you’ve run your race in your relationship. But officially you’re still together.
From the outside, things look normal. But, inside the relationship there’s trouble. Tension simmers. Maybe you’re in separate beds, or rooms; maybe it’s just a feeling you’ve lost your connection – along with faith in your ability to get it back.
I’ve had lots of clients land here. Sometimes they come to therapy as individuals, feeling sad, trying to sort the confusion in their heads.
Sometimes they come as a couple but it quickly becomes clear they have different agendas. One of them wants out. As one man confessed: “In my head I left the relationship a year ago, but I haven’t got the courage to own it. Moving out seems so final.”
WHAT IS EMOTIONAL QUITING?
When applied to love, emotional quitting refers to a person “giving up” on the relationship due to the way they have come to feel about it.
The decision is often driven by strong emotions, such as frustration, anger, sadness or disappointment, rather than a rational or logical assessment of the situation.
That’s understandable, if it’s toxic or abusive. But often the emotional disconnect is more stealthy than that. It happens slowly, almost invisibly.
When you unpack it, there’s often a history of discontent and something – such as interest in another person or the recognition there must be more to life – causes it to flare.
SO ARE YOU OUT?
Difficulties with any of the big three – honesty, loyalty and trust – will cause cracks. If they’re not addressed, those cracks will open into crevasses.
But, beyond the big three, here are the key signs of an emotional disconnect. Remember that all relationships have highs and lows. But if these things appear in clusters, then it’s worth a serious look at what’s going on.
Remember a disconnect doesn’t mean it’s over. But if both parties aren’t willing to work on it, there’s a pretty big red flag waving under your nose.
YOU'VE STOPPED BEING VULNERABLE WITH THEM
You used to talk about everything. Well, most things.
Now, the conversation feels automatic. You no longer open up on your struggles. Take particular notice if you’ve started talking to others about your problems, especially if it’s one “special” person providing the comfort. I think you know why.
YOU NO LONGER PRIORITISE INTIMACY
This often flares up with the appearance of someone else in your life. You may not be in a sexual or emotional relationship with this person, but they have woken you up emotionally, and possibly physically. It’s led you think there might be a better match out there for you.
YOUR ANXIETY DIALS UP AS YOU ANTICIPATE ARRIVING HOME
Home doesn’t feel like a sanctuary; you don’t look forward to coming home. You worry about what version of your partner will be waiting for you. If you’re honest, you also worry about the person you turn into too.
YOU HAVE LOW LEVEL DEPRESSIVE SYMPTOMS
You’re low on energy, spark and joy – and these struggles are primarily connected to your relationship. (Note: check they’re not. Some walk away from good relationships because breaking up seems like the easiest way to relieve their stress. It’s not always, so be careful).
YOU MAKE EXCUSES TO AVOID DOING THINGS TOGETHER
Find yourself working late more often? Finding excuses to see friends on weekends?
Take special notice when you’d rather work, see friends or do things other than be with your partner – and you don’t ask them to join you.
YOU AVOID COMMITTING TO WORKING ON THE RELATIONSHIP
You’ve started to bail on date nights, you avoid talking about your relationship problems; when your partner suggests therapy you’re reluctant.
It’s because, even if you won’t admit it, you’ve emotionally made your decision.
YOU DON'T LIKE YOUR OWN BEHAVIOUR
This is the hardest one to confront. When you’re miserable it shows up in the dynamics between you. You may be more irritable, frustrated, defensive, quicker to anger – and your chief target is your partner.
If you notice a (negative) change in yourself, take it seriously. Being unhappy in your relationship is one thing and it might have run its course. But becoming a person you don’t like? That’s something you need to own.