A mother’s suicide prompts questions, both personal and journalistic
At last, the answer for the time-poor mother: delegate to another time-poor mother.
Sadly, it takes a brave woman to write about her choices at home and at work: I hate to think of the vitriol that must have poured into Kim Hill’s studio, for example, after her recent
interview with Holly Walker, who spoke of the stress of having a baby and returning to work. Kudos to New York executive and feminist activist Tiffany Dufu, then, for writing about the juggle at all – and for a bang-on concept.
To achieve true equality, she argues, women must delegate at home. Ask for favours. Demand more from the bloke who sprawls on the couch every night while you’re making sure tomorrow’s lunches are made and the drycleaning is picked up and you’ve RSVPed to that birthday party invitation and, oh no, that means buying a gift, too …
No. Cease. Desist. Stop with the mental list. Give your kids a model of motherhood that looks, well, more like fatherhood.
But being brave and being right don’t mean the book is above criticism.
Writing is not Dufu’s strength. Her fondness for capitalising concepts (Home Control Disease: Delegate with Joy) is irritating and drags the book down. More disconcerting is how she drops her own ball. Isn’t it weird to “enlist a neighbour” to book your kid’s school visit, when that same call or email could have been used to book the thing yourself? Isn’t it odd to ask another woman, who surely has her own mental list, to shoulder some of yours?
Not for Dufu. Instead of buying a babyshower gift online, she asks a friend to do it for her. The nanny gets tasked with the grocery run and buying a new pram. “Cross them off the list!” Dufu enthuses.
She does bring about healthy change in her own family: her investment-banker husband now “owns” many household tasks, even when he’s working in Dubai.
But Dufu’s world is not like ours. It is
populated by Sage Mentors and All-In Partners and carefully strung into networks. She sorts her “village” into categories according to how they can be enlisted.
It’s a perspective that works for Dufu: Gloria Steinem has written her foreword, and Dufu has held a series of impressive positions at feminist New York nonprofits, including Sheryl Sandberg’s Lean In. Unfortunately, it sets up a glass wall between her and the rest of us.
We might admire what Dufu’s done but be unable to see our way to doing it ourselves.