Quips& Quotes

“OMG, the internet is ruining language, amirite? Wrong.” – the Economist sums up the threat posed by young people’s word play online

“Incompetent doctors damage their patients one at a time. Incompetent teachers damage their students 30 at a time.” – old adage

“Abraham Lincoln was born 209 years ago this month. Of course, he was tragically assassinated at Ford’s Theater in Washington by a member of MS-13 … I read that on the White House website. Is that not right?”

– US TV host Jimmy Kimmel

“A Girl Scout in San Diego sold 300 boxes of Scout cookies in just six hours by setting up shop in front of a weed dispensary. Genius!” – US comic James Corden

“I’m a member of PETA. People eating tasty animals.” – Gordon Ramsay

“I occasionally play works by contemporary composers and for two reasons. First, to discourage the composer from writing any more and, second, to remind myself how much I appreciate Beethoven.” – violinist Jascha Heifetz

“How can someone’s hair open and shut like doors in a western?” – English comic Alan Carr on Donald Trump

“I read that a record number of condoms are being distributed to athletes at this year’s Winter Olympics. That’s right, Olympic condoms, or as speed skaters call those – uniforms.” – US TV host Jimmy Fallon