Wordsworth

A Twitter comedian once quipped: “I hate it when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button and I have to go off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.” This challenge called for poems describing the preparation of a meal. Lyn Toka of Cambridge: Take a cup of spirulina,/Blitz with kale and chia seed,/Goji berries, garlic, ginger,/Turmeric for health indeed./Have a glass with whole-wheat crackers./Tastes revolting. Off to Maccas. Rex McGregor, Auckland: For Chicken Delight, first catch a chicken./Then look it in the eye./Keep staring until, consciencestricken,/You buy a vegan pie. Tony Clemow, Kamo: If you’ve the stomach to make tripe/honeycomb’s the favoured type./Cut it into even portions/ and, as Mrs Beeton cautions/boil off all the excess fat./Refill, reset the thermostat/add flour, chopped onions and some cream/and when it’s had its head of steam/although it smells, don’t be disgusted:/add pepper and some Colman’s mustard./It’s best to eat this stuff apart:/when replete, though chuffed, you’ll fart. Chris Greenwood, Motueka: Tomorrow’s dinner; now let me see,/Tom and Beth are gluten-free./David is vegan, Joan eats mainly kelp,/Trish is into paleo. I really need some help./But, enough! I shall let them know/Drinks are on the house; the food is BYO. Waikawa’s Nozz Fletcher wins with his frozen Christmas pudding: Soak dried fruit in cherry/Brandy. Taste. Sip a sherry./Mix in ice cream. Place in/Gin-soaked biscuit-lined basin./Shample. Freej. Swig a shandy. Oh Boy!/Sherve with framing blandy. Enjoy. For the next contest, send wise sayings along the lines of “always blow on the pie”. Either submit something original or put a clever spin on an existing saying. Entries, for the prize below, close at noon on February 21.