BEST OF TEACUPS

What’s made us chuckle over the years

OUR KIDS AND HUSBANDS HAVE KEPT US GIGGLING THROUGH THE DECADES

February 14, 1972

HORSING AROUND

My father’s secretary nearly got dismissed last week. Typing letters to clients reminding them of overdue accounts, she began the firm’s address (quite accidentally she assured us) as “Private Nag” instead of “Private Bag”. Much as my father was tempted, the letters weren’t posted! And the secretary didn’t get the sack. SDW September 15, 1986

GREAT FLOODER

After recent rain, our farm was flooded. The water was deep in the paddocks and drains overflowed. Five-year-old granddaughter was overwhelmed by it all. “God had better make a rainbow to say he’s sorry,” she said. Nan July 6, 1970

IMPOSSIBLE…

A bachelor friend was in the habit of letting the dishes accumulate, then having a big wash-up. Keen to try out the cake section of a cookery book, he read the recipes carefully, but every recipe started with, “First of all, take a clean bowl.” He gave up… “Not a clean bowl in sight!” KDH February 10, 1964

CLEAN – I HOPE

During the minister’s prayer recently, he ended on this note, “We can do nothing, lest we have ‘clean hands’ and a pure heart.” At the conclusion of the prayer, I saw both my small children examining their hands very closely. Proof enough that they were surely listening? Carp October 6, 1986

PAINFUL MUSIC

No doubt there are other readers of my vintage (sixty-plus) who find modern music of high frequency hurtful to the ears, especially if dining out. So whenever my husband and I are out or away from home, we try to avoid such places. Once, when in Queensland, we were amused to find a notice adjacent to a jukebox which read: “If the music is too loud, you are too old.” Yes, we went elsewhere. Memories July 18, 1946

FINAL FLING

Some years ago, when large families were the rule rather than the exception, my sister’s fifth baby made its appearance in this vale of tears. Small sister, when asked what her new brother was to be called, said, “I don’t know but Grandma says she doesn’t mind what we call him as long as we call him the last.” Grandma had a good laugh when she was told the tale. NM September 1, 1986 ROUGH PICTURE

A friend was shopping for a pair of slacks for his wife. He didn’t know her size, so when the sales lady asked, he said, “We have a 21-inch TV and when she walks in front of it, she blocks it out completely.” He eventually chose a pair and, yes, they were the right size! EM July 6, 1970

TOO TROPICAL

I had the role of a part-native French girl in our local operatic show and was practising my part at home. She was a sultry type and my teenage son didn’t like the look of things at all, especially the dance I had to do. “Okay, Mum,” he said. “Break it up. There’s no need to be so convincing. I have to face my friends, you know.” Scorpio

December 24, 1952 WHAT A CIRCUS! The circus was in town and the children were interested in the elephants, so father decided to improve the shining hour by imparting a few facts. “Elephants live for a very long time,” he said, “and grow very slowly. To begin with, it takes a mother seven whole years to have a baby elephant'... Nine-year-old looked completely unimpressed. "Seven years," he said. "That's not very long! Why, it took Mum 24 years to have me!" Blue Eyes December 14, 1933

SEX EQUALITY AGAIN! It is nothing out of the ordinary to see girls, when coming into town on the tram, studying the latest fashion book illustrations, seeking information as to the newest trends. This morning, when I got into my tram, I sat alongside a very smartly dressed young man – and lo and behold! To my utter amazement, he was deeply engrossed in a fashion magazine, which seemed to be published exclusively for the male sex, and illustrating all the latest wear. AW October 30, 1952

TO THE RESCUE

I am the owner of one of those “little stores around the corner”. One night, I was awakened about 11.30. I dragged myself to the door and confronted a boy of about 12, who asked me if his mum could have some things as she was sick. Like a true Florence Nightingale, I said, “Certainly,” thinking of asprins, etc. “She wants baked beans, a tin of herrings and tomato sauce.” Leon July 11, 1960

NO SYLPH

I recently had an anniversary and my husband brought home a beautiful pale-mauve, lace-frilled nylon nightdress. Being on the plump side, I queried the small size, but he said, “It’s all right, dear, it’s S.S.W – short, stout woman.” EGC April 16, 1953

WASH- DAY BLUES Recently we had a bumper crop of nectarines so I decided to pick a large case of them to take to my married daughter who lives a few miles away. I went early in the morning and was greeted at the gate by small granddaughter. “Hello Mary,” I said. “Is Mummy busy?” “Oh, no,” came the quick reply. “She’s not busy, she’s just doing the washing. But Mrs So-and-so next door is very busy. She has a new washing machine and has to stand there all the time and watch it work." ran November 13, 1952 WHAT A VISIT

During the war, I served in the WAAC and this is one of my most pleasant memories. I had gone down with a bad attack of ‘flu and had been taken to a temporary army hospital near an American camp. One day, we received word that a VIP was to visit, so staff and patients worked frantically to get the place looking its utmost best. How charming our visitor was, taking an intelligent interest in our army duties. There were three girls in the ward who thought they had no chance of meeting the lady as they had scarlet fever. But so that they wouldn’t feel too neglected, matron left the dividing curtain open. The VIP noticed these girls and asked why she could not meet them. The doctor explained the reason, but our visitor said that since she’d had the fever, she would so like to meet them. You can understand why to this day I’ll never forget Mrs Eleanor Roosevelt. Lucky WAAC September 29, 1986

KIDDY CONCEPTS

Having been a kindergarten teacher for some years, I’ve often had the pleasure of their natural faux pas. One little comment I remember quite well came from a usually shy young boy. He looked at me with wide eyes and a “I can’t wait” expression and said, “My Grandma’s just got a waterbed and we’re going round there for a swim.” I hope he wasn’t too disappointed! Kay