WHAT are you HIDING?
HOW TO BEHAVE WHEN YOU CATCH YOUR CHILD OUT IN A LIE
You clean under your child’s bed for the first time in a while and discover a pile of lolly and chocolate wrappers. You get up in the middle of the night to go to the loo and notice a glowing light coming from under the covers of your child’s bed. They’re on their device doing goodness only knows what.
Your teen tells you they’ve spent the afternoon at their friend’s house revising for exams, but you happen to know (thanks to social media) that the friend has been at the orthodontist. So where were they really and why do they feel like they have to lie to you?
Sneaky behaviour like this is common in children of all ages. For younger children, it’s part of growing up and a way of finding a solution to a problem. Unfortunately, being deceitful is not an acceptable solution.
For older ones, it is part of their journey to becoming more independent and wanting to keep aspects of their lives private from their parents. The fact they try to hide what they are doing means they figure that you probably won’t approve, which shows they understand the difference between right and wrong. They know they’ve done something that breaks your rules and they are trying not to get into trouble. Here are some things to bear in mind when it comes to tackling sneaky behaviour:
Talk to them about what they have done and ask why they did it. Try to see it from their point of view. For example, the child looking at their phone under the covers may be contributing to a live online chat between their friends and could worry that if they don’t join in, they’ll be excluded from their group. In this case, make it clear that online chats are okay, but only at appropriate times.
Emphasise that not only was the initial thing they did wrong, but then lying about it makes the problem twice as bad. Remind them that honesty is always the best policy.
Make sure they face appropriate consequences for being sneaky. If you are going to punish them, choose something that relates to what they did. For example, the child who looks at their phone from under the bedclothes late at night may learn their lesson about how and when they can use it if you confiscate it.
Don’t take it personally.
It’s easy to feel as if by being subversive they are trying to hurt you, but in fact they are just trying something they really want to do and not get into trouble for it.
Have a conversation about what they could have done differently. For example, they could have asked your permission to do whatever it was they did. Perhaps you might have agreed to it or there could have been conditions – for example, your child could have had two chocolates after dinner instead of sneaking a handful.
Are you too tough?
Research shows that many people believe being strict with your kids produces betterbehaved children.
While this can work to a certain degree, children who have a lot of rules and regulations to follow may resort to sneakiness as a way of maintaining some degree of control. If you are constantly laying down the law, your child may feel the only way to do anything they want is to be secretive about it.
Studies show that parents who are tough on their kids are more likely to have children who rebel. Those kids can also become excellent liars. Being too strict can also lower their self-esteem and hinder their ability to self-regulate. They obey, but can’t think for themselves. Why should they make the effort to control their behaviour when they know you are going to do it first?
If they are constantly being sneaky, try looking at some of your rules and seeing if there are any you can ease back on.