CONSTANT cravings
IT ISN’T JUST THE USER WHO FEELS THE AFFECTS OF ADDICTION
Addiction takes a terrible toll, not just on those who are addicted, but also on their families and loved ones.
If someone important to you is dealing with substance abuse as the result of an addiction, it’s likely to be affecting your relationship, as well as many other aspects of your life. It’s so frustrating when you can’t fix their problems, but there are things you can do to that will help you both. ACKNOWLEDGE THEIR PROBLEM Tell them you are worried about how much they are drinking or that they are using drugs. Bring it out in the open – and then brace yourself for a response that could range from denial and anger through to relief that they’ve finally got the chance to seek help. ACCEPT THAT ADDICTION IS A DISEASE There is a strong likelihood they won’t be able to get their addiction under control without professional help, just like people dealing with conditions like asthma or diabetes require medical assistance.
BE AWARE THAT ADDICTS OFTEN RESORT TO LYING, MANIPULATION AND UNDERHAND ACTS These are symptoms of their disease and steps they take to enable them to satisfy their cravings, then cover up their behaviour afterwards. This is not who they are, but what they are doing because of their addiction. It can change their personality, but this doesn’t have to be permanent.
THINK ABOUT YOUR WELLBEING AND THAT OF OTHER FAMILY MEMBERS For example, if you feel unsafe or you’re worried about children or other vulnerable people, you may need to remove yourself and them from the situation. Don’t feel guilty – it is in everyone’s best interests. And if you have been experiencing emotions such as anger, despair or anxiety, make sure you ask for help.
DON’T BE EMBARRASSED TO SEEK ADVICE There can be a lot of stigma attached to addictions and many people feel a loved one’s substance abuse should be secret, and something they have to deal with on their own. They also feel bad about “betraying” the addict by talking about their problems. In fact, what you are doing is trying to get help for everyone involved.
LOOK AT WHETHER YOU HAVE A CO-DEPENDENT RELATIONSHIP WITH THE ADDICTED PERSON – IN OTHER WORDS, ARE
YOU ENABLING THEIR BEHAVIOUR? You may be trying to help, but doing things like loaning them money or making excuses for offensive behaviour is enabling them to continue abusing alcohol or drugs. If you do things to make life easier for them, you are preventing them from reaching the point where they feel enough pain to realise that letting go of the addiction is the better option.
LET THEM KNOW YOU ARE WILLING TO SUPPORT THEM, BUT NOT TO ENABLE THEM Help them to find treatment, attend counselling sessions if required and assist in practical ways, such as removing alcohol from the house.
UNDERSTAND THAT YOU CANNOT FIX THEM Their addiction is all-consuming and only they can take steps to deal with it. Accept that there are things you can change – such as your response to them – but things you cannot. And it is important to understand you are not to blame – you did not cause it.
* There are organisations that can help the families and loved ones of people dealing with addictions. These include Kina Families and Addiction Trust, which has a great website offering advice and sharing the stories of other people in the same boat. See kina.org.nz. The Alcohol Drug Helpline on 0800 787 797 can also offer support as can Al-Anon and Alateen on 0508 425 266.