FEELING ALONE?
Our guide to ending loneliness
They’re heartwarming and heartbreaking at the same time. When Age Concern surveyed some elderly people who use a service that provides them with weekly visitors to help counter loneliness, many of the replies were touching.
“I was lonely, feeling isolated, with no light at the end of the tunnel and didn’t want to be here,” said one. “My visitor is a good listener and we have become good friends. I look forward to her visits.”
Said another, “It has made me feel more wanted.”
“I have someone of my own,” added a third.
Loneliness affects people of all ages, with New Zealand’s General Social Survey showing that it’s young people aged 15 to 24 who report feeling most isolated. Feeling alone then decreases over the next few decades, but once we reach our seventies, loneliness rears its ugly head again, with those over 80 especially vulnerable.
Louise Rees, Age Concern’s national social connect advisor, says the organisation hears of some very sad cases. “A lot of people who are on their own all day feel that they are not wanted. They think nobody is interested in them and they start thinking, ‘What is the point of me?’ There are many elderly people who have little social contact with others because of their circumstances, and it makes life very hard for them.”
Stephanie Clare, the CEO of Age Concern, adds, “Research has been done into the effects of loneliness on our health, and we know that it can have a huge impact. It can shorten your life and in some cases, make it unpleasant so that you feel it is not worth living. And that is not something that can be fixed by taking a couple of tablets and calling the doctor.”
Society needs to accept that loneliness is a major issue for many people and do something about it, says Stephanie. Age Concern is so worried about the effect loneliness is having on older people that it is joining forces with other organisations such as the Returned Services Association and The Salvation Army - and trying to get corporate support – to help
Kiwi pensioners have better social connections.
“We really want to end loneliness. If we can connect people to others and reduce their loneliness, you can also improve their health and reduce the opportunities for people to take advantage of them, and abuse them physically and financially. It can have a very wide-reaching impact.”
But one of the stumbling blocks is that many people are embarrassed to admit they’re struggling with being alone.
“We’re happier to talk about having illnesses like breast cancer than we are to talk about being lonely,” says Stephanie. “People don’t ask for help. There shouldn’t be any stigma attached to telling people that’s what you’re going through.”
One of the obvious reasons older people feel lonely is because many of them are living alone, often because their spouse or partner has died
– and the grief can make their loneliness worse. According to the 2013 New Zealand census, 52% of Kiwi women aged over 75 were living alone, compared to 25% of men. It’s a situation many women find themselves in as they tend to live longer than men, and men are more likely than women to find a new partner after theirs dies.
Plus, the days of your family living nearby and frequently popping around are long gone, points out Louise.
“It is an effect of modern living that families are much more dispersed now, not just around the country but around the world. It’s a lot less common for people to stay in the same area where they grew up, and to have lots of family nearby.”
Even if your loved ones are in the same location, they may have busy lives and little time to spend with older relatives. Chances are the children of people aged 70 plus are still working, and need to devote a lot of time to their own children. And they can’t always rely on
‘If we can connect people to others and reduce their loneliness, you can also improve their health’
friends to be around for them. As a result, social circles start to shrink. “What can happen as we age is that we might spend a lot of time concentrating on our families, and once our children leave home and go off on their own, it can be difficult to re-establish friendships with people if we haven’t seen them in a long time,” explains Louise.
In the Weekly’s series on retirement last year, we talked to Lower Hutt retiree Erica Whyte about how she had coped with the changes to her life since finishing work. While diligent saving throughout her life had helped financially, she pointed out that the best investment she made was putting effort into maintaining friendships.
“Having good friendships is so important in retirement,” Erica, who was widowed six years after she and husband Don quit working, told us. “Your children are going through a busy time in their own lives with their jobs and families, so often it is your own peer group that gives you support, because they are sharing the experience.”
Unfortunately, it is not always easy to stay in touch with friends if one or both of you has health
or mobility issues, which makes spending time together tricky.
“There can be practical barriers, such as not being able to drive any more,” says Louise. “Or you might not be able to walk very far, which makes getting out and about difficult.
“Hearing and visual impairment can be a big barrier to connecting socially too. We get feedback from people with hearing problems who do have the opportunity to join in group activities but find them really difficult because they can’t hear what is going on and be involved in conversations. They can be surrounded by people but still feel quite isolated.
They do much better in one-on-one situations.”
Lack of income is another factor. Meeting up with others for lunch or participating in activities like the movies can be beyond some people’s budgets.
The good news is that there are organisations and services available to help people combat their loneliness. These include Age Concern’s free Accredited Visiting Service (AVS), which arranges for volunteers to visit a lonely person aged 65 and over for about an hour each week to chat and enjoy shared interests.
About 2500 people around the country benefit from the service, and nearly 90% of them say having a visitor has made them feel less alone. There are likely to be many more who would enjoy it if only they would ask for help. But it’s not just up to them – the rest of us can do our bit by reaching out to someone we feel may be lonely.
“Often we’d be happy to have a chat with someone or offer to drive them somewhere but we don’t do it because we think it could be awkward or we feel like we might be intruding if we make a friendly gesture,” says Louise. “Actually, there is very little to lose. Why not take a risk and reach out to someone who might be lonely?
“You could end up making a world of difference.”