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Men are actually men’s best friend. That’s the key to men helping other men who are experiencing society’s most devastating social issues, such as suicide, street violence and family violence.
Those who recently attended Chris Bowden’s seminar on suicide prevention will have already heard that in order to prevent men taking their own lives, we need to support our men to open up, not harden up. We also need to support men, to have these tough conversations with their peers to prevent further devastating consequences.
Bowden’s research shows men are failing to seek help because seeking help goes against what it ‘traditionally’ means to be a man; strong, silent, aggressive, and unemotional.
Many men fear that opening up, showing emotion, and seeking help will be seen as ‘not the manly thing to do’. They fear rejection from their mates. So Instead they remain silent, and silence leads to anger and self-destructive coping mechanisms such as alcohol and drugs.
Silence is a natural response. It comes easily for those who aren’t the leaders of their peer groups, and those who can’t speak up out of fear they might be judged. It takes strength and courage for a man to cry, to grieve, and to admit that he can’t get through a difficult time on his own. It takes a strong man to say ‘I’m not OK’.
New Zealanders have a ‘just get on with it’ attitude, which on the surface seems great. But to get over childhood sexual abuse, family violence and other traumatic experiences, we need more than the ‘just get on with it’ attitude as it’s not working.
The man-to-man talk is a great way to get through to men that the emotions they are experiencing are normal, whether that is grief, heartbreak, depression etc.
This isn’t a new concept.
Vic Tamati from the ‘It’s Not OK’ campaign speaks strongly on the topic of man-to-man conversations. He told a group of people at Waitara recently that in his life every man had lied to him about what it meant to be a man.
Positive male role models have the power to say to other men who are struggling that it takes strength and courage to show emotion and ask for help. They have the power to teach other men self-compassion and self-care.
And if you are a man or woman who wants to help someone but aren’t able to have that effect, you have the power to talk to someone who does and you can encourage them to have these difficult conversations. We welcome letters to the editor, 250 words or less. Published at our discretion and may be edited. Include your address and phone number (not for publication). Email midweek@dailynews.co.nz Deadline: 4pm Friday.