Listen, they’re singing my song

‘‘FAME is fleeting, Jim.’’ ‘‘Indeed it is, Prime Minister. Look at John Key.’’

‘‘John who? Oh, that John Key. Where is he now? Probably scraping a living as a beachcomber on some remote island. It’s a worry. I might be forgotten, too. It could be ‘Bill who?’ in a couple of years. What can I do that’s memorable?’’ ‘‘And legal?’’

‘‘Oh, yes. Definitely legal. Until after the election anyway.’’

‘‘Well, Prime Minister, you have no power to actually do anything really worthwhile. The economy is controlled by overseas markets, world peace is safe in the hands of Donald Trump, eternal salvation is controlled by Bishop Brian and the weather is the hands of a rather lesser authority.’’

‘‘Yes. I know all that. But surely politicians get remembered for something. Muldoon isn’t forgotten.’’

‘‘Certainly not. Carless days. Punchups. Being tired and emotional. Is that how you would like to be remembered?’’

‘‘Not really. Especially not for carless days. To enforce proper carless days now, you’d have to evict half the people in South Auckland from their homes. But surely Muldoon must have done something useful. He was in power for about a million years.’’

‘‘Nine years, actually, Prime Minister, but nothing seems to spring to mind, apart from the ‘Now I know why the Australian cricket uniforms are yellow’ comment he made after the underarm bowling incident.’’

‘‘Yes, that was good, but I was thinking of something more statesmanlike. Everyone slags off at the Aussies. I’d rather do something constructive with longlasting impact on our country’s image. Something closer to home. I know the flag referendum thing was an absolute disaster but once old John whatshisname had an idea he just wouldn’t let go. Must be something else. Last time we talked you suggested I might change the name of the country.’’

‘‘It was meant to be an attempt at humour, Prime Minister.’’

‘‘Maybe, but you know what they say about many a true word being spoken in jest. I think it could be goer. I’d certainly be famous if the country was named after me.’’

‘‘Well, there is at least one country which might object.’’

‘‘Is there? OK. If you say so. But how about this? I’ve often thought we need something less pretentious than God Defend New Zealand. Something which won’t offend people who don’t believe in God and something which people understand. What’s ‘Pacific’s triple star’ for goodness’ sake?’’

‘‘One theory is that Thomas Bracken’s fondness for a drink or two made him put in ‘triple star’ as a tribute to Speight’s threestar ale. But that’s been demolished after research by what’s left of the humanities department at the university. The poem was written about four years before Mr Speight started brewing.’’

‘‘Well, I’d love something really Kiwi. I can’t understand why the Aussies use that Advance Australia Fair thing. Have you ever heard it sung with a genuine Strine accent? Talk about fingernails on the blackboard. Waltzing Matilda ticks all my boxes. Good story. Genuinely Australian. Makes the heart swell with pride. Just watch any groups of Fostersswilling Aussies in Earls Court in the old days. Genuine patriotism in every belch. They should use it as the anthem.’’

‘‘Well, it was suggested, Prime Minister. There was even a referendum. In fact, the Fraser government decided Waltzing Matilda would be played each time Australia won a gold medal at the Montreal Olympics in 1976.’’

‘‘That must have made it popular.’’

‘‘Well, it would have, but Australia didn’t win any gold medals at Montreal. We won two, as no doubt you recall.’’

‘‘That’s history. What we need now is a good old Kiwi song that people can sing along to. Any ideas?’’

‘‘I quite like Peter Cape’s song about the country dance. You know the one, Down the Hall on Saturday Night. Real Kiwi stuff.

‘‘Look at the sheilas cutting the supper

Look at the kids sliding over the floor

An’ look at the great big bunch of jokers

Hanging ’round the door.’’ ‘‘Hey, that’s great. Could be Dipton on a Saturday night. How would it go as an anthem?’’

‘‘Tune’s a bit slow. Need something more lively.’’

‘‘I’ve got it. Bright tune. Easy to remember. Chuck in a bit of Maori. You know For He’s a Jolly Good Fellow? Right — Let’s go.

‘‘New Zealand’s a jolly good country

New Zealand’s a jolly good country

New Zealand’s a jolly good country

And so say all the world

Ka pai! Ka pai! Ka pai!’’

‘‘And when do we hear this new anthem, Prime Minister?’’

‘‘At the Netball World Youth Cup in July. We won it last time so no reason we can’t do it again. They’ll be singing ‘Bill’s new anthem’. How’s that for lasting fame?’’

‘‘Well, it won’t be forgotten, Prime Minister.’’