DDay’s coming so get quacking
‘‘N OW, listen up! Those people in the back row, if you ruffle your feathers once more, I’ll have you plucked.
I’ve called you together because once again DDay is almost upon us and I don’t want a repetition of last year.
You all took too many risks and we lost far too many good people. I needn’t remind you of Daffy who decided to have a closer look at what he thought was a goodlooking chick on the water.
He realised it was a cork decoy at about the same time his tail feathers were shot off. Stupid bird!
Now, we may as well start on decoys, as many of you younger people won’t have seen them. Incidentally, I see that there are a few pheasants here this morning so let me remind you that the enemy is forbidden to shoot any pheasant less than 18 weeks old. And, as you redlegged partridges should know, you can’t be shot until you are over 16 weeks old, so keep your birth certificates with you at all times and be prepared to show them.
Now, where was I? Oh, yes. Decoys. Most of you, apart from idiots like Daffy, can spot them a mile off. When you see the enemy chucking pebbles at them to give a semblance of movement, you’re not fooled.
The decoys’ stupid, gormless expressions give them away as well, and the fact that they just sit there and do absolutely nothing useful suggests that if we were a democracy they’d all be in parliament. But, these days the enemy is getting cunning.
He knows we haven’t been fooled by the old decoys so on DDay you will find an upsurge in what they call the Super Wonderduck Paddle Wheel. The enemy are forking out more than $200 for these things which some firm in Texas is selling. I’ve brought along a video to show you the enemy weapon in action.
There. See the orange paddles sticking out on each side, flailing around and kicking up a devil of a row? This is hightech military hardware and the arms dealers describe it as having ‘orange weedless paddling feet, foot attachments, up rotating head, easyaccess battery holder and easyaccess waterproof switch’. So, avoid paddle wheels. You have been warned. One enemy in Canterbury has stupidly gone public with this piece of useful info:
‘The only modification I made was to paint one side of the black wings with an offwhite tint as I believe this gives a more realistic flashing of the wings and the proof has been in the results.’
Some Otago enemy forces may also be doing this, so take care. I think you already know how to recognise camouflaged rowboats which are now in common use. Quite contrary to Par. 4.14 of the Geneva Convention.
However, the special conditions of the Otago Fish and Game Council may give us some protection. You may be aware of the clause which states: ‘No person shall use or cause to be used on any water within the region for the hunting or killing of game any fixed stand, pontoon, hide, loo or mai mai, except within a distance of 10m from the water margin in nontidal waters, or from the low water mark in tidal waters, or from the outside edge of the raupo growth where raupo abounds, without the prior consent of the Otago Fish and Game Council.’ I have the phone number of the council here for those of you who would like to ring and find out what the hell they are talking about. The use of ‘loo’ may worry you as that’s the last place you’d want to be shot to pieces but in hunting circles it also means a shooting spot or ‘possie’.
On DDay, rugby is cancelled in Central Otago but most of those blokes will be too hungover to cause us a problem and there will be the usual clowns around wearing army surplus camouflage clothing. Don’t worry about them. The Cong were never fooled, nor are we. Their shotguns are usually things like the Remington Versa Max Waterfowl Pro with all the bells and whistles including the camouflaged barrel. Easily recognisable, as a gun barrel always looks like a gun barrel, rough hew it as you may. But you are all wily enough to pick these characters out, especially those with the satellite dish on their mai mai and a generator humming away to power the drinks fridge.
Naturally, we will continue the tradition of sending out kamikaze squads to deflect the fire from the rest of us and I will announce those names just before DDay. Rest assured, those chosen will be neither forgotten nor edible. Waddle them off, sergeant.’’