THE SECRET DIARY OF... PAULA BENNETT
MONDAY
‘‘Nah, stop the bus. I’m leaving,’’ I told the driver.
Because that’s how I roll, yeah? You know when Paula Bennett’s in the room! But equally I think it’s important to let everyone know when Paula Bennett wants to leave the room.
The driver replied, ‘‘What?’’ He didn’t even turn around. I don’t stand for rudeness, yeah? I think if we can’t all treat Paula Bennett with the respect she deserves then we’ve lost something as a society.
I said, ‘‘Yeah, I want to get off this mode of ‘public transport’ the loser government is so crazy about. I thought I’d give it a go but it’s rubbish. So anyway I want to meet a friend at a cafe. Do you want the address?’’
And he says, ‘‘You have to pull the cord like everyone else. I’ll drop you off at the next stop but you’ll need to walk from there.’’
Walk! How I laughed, bitterly.
TUESDAY
‘‘Nah, not good enough, eh. I’m leaving,’’ I said to the waitress.
She didn’t hear me. She was serving another customer at the counter.
‘‘I’m leaving,’’ I shouted, ‘‘if you don’t serve me now!’’
A man standing in front of me turned around and said, ‘‘But you’re at the back of the queue.’’
‘‘Sexist,’’ I said. ‘‘That is out and out sexism. I’m a woman, yeah? A woman who used to be on a benefit. I was at the back of society’s queue. But Paula Bennett doesn’t rely on handouts. I worked hard and rose to become deputy Prime Minister, a position I held for several months.’’
Those were the notthatmany days . . . How I wept, bitterly.
WEDNESDAY
‘‘Nah, I’m leaving,’’ I said to the Speaker, and gathered up my papers and stormed out of the House with enormous dignity.
I heard him ask, ‘‘For how long?’’
THURSDAY
I gathered up my papers and stormed out of the House with enormous dignity when the Speaker said to me, ‘‘Paula Bennett will leave the Chamber.’’
FRIDAY
‘‘Nah, stuff this. I’m leaving,’’ I told Simon Bridges.
He clapped his hands, but then he coughed, and said, ‘‘Sorry – I mean – oh no that’s terrible – really? – are you sure about this? – big loss – National won’t be the same – still, imagine the sendoff! Paula on the karaoke! Yeah. Good times. So! When are you going?’’
I told him that I couldn’t be bothered sitting around the office and was leaving to meet a friend for coffee.
Did he seriously think I’d quit such a sweet number with the big salary, all the perks, the constant appeal to vanity?
I’m not going anywhere. I’m staying. —