The Mayor and POCS invite you to be taken for a ride NOTHING TOO SERIOUS
THE tendency of the Dunedin City Council to discuss matters in secret has made it difficult to inform the public, but this column has been able to rely on getting confidential papers from a disgruntled committee secretary, recently overlooked for a factfinding mission to the Bahamas.
Like all council staff, she is addicted to acronyms, which she uses aat (at all times). Her leak from last week’s behindcloseddoors meeting of the POCS (Promotion of Cycling Systems) has just trickled in.
The meeting, which included critics of the cycleway, began with the traditional Maori cycling karakia ‘‘Pahikara mo ake tonu atu’’, which means something like ‘‘forever on ya bike’’. His Worshipfulness the Mayor gave his municipal blessing and cyclists present dismounted, padlocked their machines and removed clips and helmets.
The first speaker introduced himself as ‘‘a cycling spokesman’’ (unrestrained laughter). His Worshipfulness sharply called the meeting to order, stating that he saw nothing to laugh at and that he would maintain decorum even if it meant taking off his chains. It was thus a more subdued gathering that then listened attentively to the spokesman’s plans for the SOD (Special Opening Day) set down for a future, but as yet uncertain, date.
The managing director of the firm constructing the cycleway thanked the meeting emotionally, explaining how close they were to bankruptcy before they got the job. He had a special word of gratitude for the designer who ensured that some of the work had to be ripped up and done again. He believed such an approach should be more general, as many companies were barely making a profit on DCC work unless there was a need to do it twice over. His Worshipfulness undertook to take this comment to ‘‘council’’ (‘‘council’’ being the twee word for ‘‘the city council’’). The DCC OFF (Officer of Forensic Finance), the ‘‘Einstein of Economics’’, as he’s called in the tea room, added up the costs: ‘‘A total of
an arm and a leg, sir, with another arm and a lower leg portion thrown in for contingencies.’’
His Worshipfulness thanked the OFF for his succinct and detailed report before asking for a brief from his CEC (Community Events Coordinator). Misunderstanding his use of ‘‘brief’’, the young lady replied. ‘‘Venue. Octagon most popular spot, but no. Cycleway goes nowhere near. Use area near Railway Station with ‘No Vehicular Access’ signs in place for five streets all around. Leave in place permanently. Parade. Asked City of Dunedin Pipe Band to lead parade on bicycles but drum major replied in Gaelic, ‘Taigh Nam Gasta Ort’, which I had to look up. Disgusting! Know chap in Otago Officer’s Club and he’s offered Dunedin Volunteer Cycling Corps for the day as long as we cover cost of any broken chains. Great historic angle. Corps founded in the 1890s.’’
The DCC promotions adviser suggested BW (Bike Week) with (BUBD) Bike Up Baldwin Day, preferably somewhere near the time of the cycleway opening. (Applause). His Worshipfulness shed a quiet tear and assured councillors who had voted for the cycleway that they could sleep easy in their beds as well as in the council chamber, as usual.
His Worshipfulness expressed satisfaction that so much had been achieved by such a robust but honest exchange of ideas and felt that the city would embrace the SOD with enthusiasm. He looked forward to watching closely thousands of young, carefree, and firmthighed cyclists, men as well, streaming along the cycleway in unalloyed bliss (he talks like this a lot).
His Worshipfulness also remarked that he was well aware that at least $28 million of public money had been spent and that it would be good to remind the public of the widespread benefits that would accrue to the community with the finished project. With next year’s election in mind, he asked his chief executive how many thousands of cyclists (almost all of them of voting age) would benefit from his wise planning and foresight.
She studied her screen for a moment and then twigged that His Worshipfulness was actually addressing her rather than the general meeting. Quickly switching off the Coronation Street repeat in which she had been deeply absorbed (in spite of seeing the episode two days earlier) she nodded, smiled and scribbled on the back of last week’s dog ranger’s report.
‘‘Total number of active Dunedin cyclists, Your Worshipfulness? Of course. Let’s see. Posties don’t bike now. So, 55, sir. Including two ODT delivery youngsters who use bikes. Oh, and then there’s that student with a unicycle who entertains at lunchtime around the campus. Altogether, sir, a grand total of 56.’’
‘‘Great!’’ beamed His Worshipfulness. ‘‘Only about half a million dollars for each bum on a saddle. Well done.’’
The meeting closed with thanks to the chair but, sadly, those opposed to the scheme caused an outbreak of brawling during which His Worshipfulness sustained a serious internal injury from a fully extended bicycle pump.
A