As fashion dictates the message, it is harder to be a royal we
‘‘YOU’RE BBC? Good. We had Sky Sport people last year.
Kept running slowmotion replays of every damn thing I did. I mean, how many times do you need to see a reigning monarch put on her reading glasses? Not as bad as ITV the year before. Made me feel I was in some strandedinthejungle reality show. Philip told them to bugger off. No need for endless rehearsals. I’ve been doing this since 1952. Why don’t we just run one of the old ones?’’
‘‘Tempting, Ma’am, but you are not the youngster you were in 1952. People might notice. We must record something new. Can we have an idea about what you plan to say?’’
‘‘Well, just the first thing that comes into my head usually. I’ll kick off with ‘We are delighted you could tune in’.’’
‘‘The ‘we’ is rather out of fashion. Regarded as pretentious. They humorously refer to it as ‘the royal we’.’’
‘‘Do they? Well, we are not amused. But OK. I’ll just welcome them to the show and run through the year’s disasters with a glum face. You have a list?’’
‘‘Yes, Ma’am. It’s on the autocue. Floods, forest fires, air crashes and so on.’’
‘‘Add Donald Trump’s visit. Terrible man. Kept getting in my way. Felt like I was inspecting his backside rather than the guard of honour. Oh, there’s a bottle of brown liquid on the table. Should that be there?’’
‘‘Yes, Ma’am. It’s actually CocaCola. They bought the product placement rights this year.’’
‘‘CocaCola? Never heard of it. Sounds like the capital of some excolony in darkest Africa. Put a bottle of Gordon’s gin there instead, will you? It’s ‘By Appointment’. But don’t open it. Don’t want to give the wrong impression. Next, the cheerful list of happy events. Oh dear, there appears to be nothing on your little cue machine.’’
‘‘No, Ma’am. We thought of the royal weddings, but the word is that you were less than happy about them.’’
‘‘Fair comment. We’re getting quite an odd class of person round the table these days. But what about that lovely New Zealand Prime Minister having a baby?’’
‘‘Well, it’s a good story, Ma’am, but, well, she’s not married.’’
‘‘Oh, dear. Can’t mention the baby then. But something good must have happened during the year.’’
‘‘Nothing springs to mind, Ma’am. Confusion and chaos seems to have reigned. Which reminds me. They will expect you to mention Brexit.’’
‘‘Oh, I talked about that at a dinner in October, I’ve got the speech notes here on the back of the menu. ‘As we look toward a new partnership with Europe, it is our shared values and commitment to each other that are our greatest asset and demonstrate that even through change, our enduring alliance remains strong, and as innovators, traders and internationalists, we look with confidence to the future.’ Could use that again, perhaps?’’
‘‘But, Ma’am, it doesn’t actually say anything.’’
‘‘That’s right. Good, isn’t it? Perhaps I should have been a politician.’’
‘‘I doubt if you would have enjoyed it, Ma’am. An even weirder group than your extended family. Maybe something about global warming, climate change, sea levels rising, that sort of thing?’’
‘‘You seem to have confused me with King Canute, young man. Not even a Royal Decree will save the planet, but I could tell the family to cut down on travel. They spent £3 million last year swanning around. Lot of pollution there. At my age a taxi to Harrods just about covers it all. Right. Let’s go. Quick speech, some shots of the palace and then you could cut to the corgi relieving itself against the Sheraton chair. The ‘royal wee’, don’t you know?’’
‘‘Of course, Ma’am. Very droll.’’
‘‘Then just the ending. ‘Merry Christmas’ would do.’’
‘‘Afraid not, Ma’am. Many of your audience are not Christians. You will know that Muhammad is the most popular baby boy name this year in Britain.’’
‘‘Oh dear. Perhaps I should wear a burqa? What about George in the name stakes?’’
‘‘Fourth, I’m afraid Ma’am, but the wee chap is standing by to wander into shot and ask to go to the toilet. Won’t be a dry seat in the house.’’
‘‘Getting rather crowded. Who’s the pofaced woman with the glassy stare behind me?’’
‘‘Fiona, Ma’am. She’ll be doing the signing.’’
‘‘Hope she’s OK at smiling and waving. I do a lot of that. So, to the signoff. I’ll just end with ‘Happy Holidays’.’’
‘‘That would upset viewers in Dunedin, Ma’am.’’
‘‘This is becoming impossible. What about ‘Thank you, and good night’?’’
‘‘No go, I’m afraid, Ma’am. We transmit in the afternoon in the UK.’’
‘‘Oh, very well then. I’ll just wrap up with, ‘Be good till next time. And if you can’t be good, be careful!’’’
‘‘Perfect, Ma’am. Ready? Rolling.’’