Pluses and minuses carefully totted up to grade 2018 year
‘‘AH, come in, 2018. No, don’t sit down. This won’t take long.
This is your last day and we have to discuss your annual report. We were delighted when you started off so well 12 months ago.
The hottest summer on record. The New Zealand space rocket in January. It looked very much as though you were on track to be a great year. We were gobsmacked by some of your achievements.
Things which made us proud to be Kiwis. Paula Bennett’s gastric bypass surgery. Crusher Collins’ new hairdo. The Black Caps beating England by an innings and 49 runs and a heap of medals at the Commonwealth Games. Deliriously joyful visits by Barack Obama and Harry and Meghan.
New Zealanders to search for the Loch Ness monster. You weren’t putting a foot wrong and seemed to be making the most of your 12 months in office. Perhaps best of all the cat who survived four hours trapped in the grille of a car and the South Island sheep who played on a trampoline.
Ah, yes, 2018, what a year you might have been.
But annual reports must balance up the good and the bad points over the whole year and, I have to say, we are disappointed in you.
There’s simply too much of the same old, same old. Just as every other year has done. Politics a shambles. Where did you find this Bridges man? Why allow politicians to continue wasting money and abusing their staff? Ministers of the Crown forgetting who they had coffee with.
Must we continue to be forever lumbered with such clowns? What happened to your reforming zeal? Local prostitutes being undercut by imported girls. People living in cars and garages. Why on Earth didn’t you sort out the catastrophe of unaffordable housing?
An Auckland exstate house selling for $1.2 million! There were rumours that you’d been a land agent before you took this job on. Sexual shenanigans at student camps, in law offices and almost any other location you care to name. It’s been just like any other year.
And we had such high hopes for you, too. Just glancing at your September report, I see a loss to the Springboks which cost you a few Brownie points and pretty well cancelled out the big tick you got with the prime ministerial baby in June.
The board refused to lose faith, though, and I’m told the good points in your monthly reports kept their hopes buoyant but now, at annual review time, the scales must be weighed impartially and I can quote any number of misdemeanours which in any other job would have seen you down the road. I’ll mention a couple of them, not to gloat, but to help you understand our position.
The end of Girl Guide biscuits but the continuation of Shortland Street! Well might you hang your head in shame.
You never really got your priorities sorted, did you? But your bonus was not seriously under threat until just recently when you gave us a Christmas parade with no Santa Claus. Unforgiveable, I’m afraid. To put no finer point on it, you’ve given us too little to smile about, 2018. And now they tell us that the coming summer will be riddled with bad weather. Not your fault of course, but not a good look.
You realise, of course, that your contract was for just the one calendar year with no right of renewal. We have already appointed a replacement who takes over at midnight tonight.
He’s called 2019. No experience, naturally, but looks like the sort of chap we need. I hope he has a better year than you, but it won’t be easy.
There’s the Rugby World Cup with the All Blacks in some disarray, local body elections with the usual gang of misfits threatening to stand again and the next presidential election in the United States looming in 2020 so our new man will be faced with ensuring that Trump self destructs before inflicting himself again on the voters in that benighted country.
In fact, I’m sure you are glad to be out of it.
Getting the sack is never a happy experience but the directors are not entirely displeased with your efforts this year. After all, you have managed to see that Jaffas may well be made again in New Zealand. Not Dunedin, though, so a wee black mark on the report, I’m afraid.
However, I’ve been asked to pass on this redundancy cheque. It’s not much but it may help. If you take my advice you’ll retire to some small country town. Can I suggest Patearoa? At least one of the locals there lives in the past quite happily and will give you a warm welcome. So, that’s that. Happy New Year, 2018, if you don’t mind me saying so.’’