Working to put the ‘grub’ into Grubforth

‘‘B AD news, Grubforth. A Dminus and yet so far you’ve been an A student. Disappointing.

Without your New Zealand Certificate in Real Estate (Salesperson) (Level 4) you won’t be selling houses. NZCRA(S) (4) is a seriously rigorous qualification not like a BA in history or a postgraduate diploma in obstetrics and gynaecology.

Real Estate is for Real People. You will know that Donald Trump is a real estate man? So far you’ve not put a foot wrong. Good teeth. Your own, I believe? Nice car, but not too flash and you wear your firm’s green and orange uniform with some flair.

‘‘But this paper on Real Estate Advertising is a shocker. I realise that you have proven to be virtually unemployable in a dozen other fields and, like many of us, have turned to real estate in desperation. For that reason, I’m reluctant to have you fail so let’s go through your paper and see if you can do better in a second go.

Here’s your effort. ‘For Sale. Four bedroom house in Bedford St, St Clair, with large sunny section, garaging and new range. Seller shifting north. Price, $400,000.’

‘‘Great heavens! You’ll never sell anything that way. Let’s perk it up a bit. We need a headline. Try ‘Your Slice of Paradise’. Noone wants four bedrooms. Put ‘Three generous bedrooms and study/games room.’

‘‘Remember, it’s never a ‘house’, it’s a ‘home’, preferably ‘muchloved with memories which could become yours’. Don’t ever use something as bland as ‘in Bedford St’. It’s ‘on Bedford’. Maybe alliterate a bit, ‘Bliss on Bedford’ is the style of thing.

‘‘It’s in St Clair. Great! Don’t forget the golden rule, ‘Location, location, location’. Anything remotely near St Clair must include this sentence, ‘an easy stroll to the sandy beach, trendy cafes and world famous saltwater pool, all offering a vibrant lifestyle only St Clair can provide.’

‘‘OK? You haven’t mentioned a view. By climbing on the roof of almost any home on Bedford you can see water. Include something like ‘sea vistas to die for’.

‘‘Now, ‘large section’. ‘Large’ means hours of backbreaking labour. Use ‘a gardener’s heaven with room for the pony’. Remember, it’s always ‘the’ pony, implying that anyone aspiring to this upmarket property will naturally have a pony for the kids.

‘‘You’ve left out ‘childproof’. That must be included because it’s a comeon both ways. It suggests your own children will be safe and at the same time the pesky brats from next door will be kept out. Winwin.

‘‘ ‘Sunny’, by the way, should be ‘bathed in sunshine’. ‘Garaging’ tells us nothing. Spell it out. ‘Extensive garaging to accommodate the cars, the 4WD and the boat.’

‘‘This ‘new range’ bit may tempt the women but it’s not enough. Make it ‘present owners have spared no expense in installing a stateoftheart kitchen to make entertaining a breeze’.

‘‘ ‘Seller shifting north’ is just not on. Firstly, ‘seller’ is always ‘vendor’ and their ‘instructions are clear’ which is the euphemism for, ‘Sell this damn place before it falls down!’

‘‘Noone in their right mind shifts north unless compelled to, so you need something like ‘vendor on transfer’ or ‘family reasons force a move’.

‘‘Incidentally, always avoid ‘genuine reasons for sale’ as it immediately arouses suspicions that something shady is afoot, which it usually is, but there’s no need to shout it from the rooftops.

‘‘You’ve mentioned a price. Don’t! Leaving it out gives you a chance to off load the place for a grosslyinflated price if your timing is right. Try POA, Deadline Sale, Auction or Offers.

‘‘If you must put a price in the ad, avoid a string of noughts. $398,500 will always look better that $400,000 and the precision of $398,500 suggests that the property has been carefully valued and a fair price set.

‘‘The worst part of your effort, Grubforth, is the complete absence of a sense of urgency. Throw in ‘Must be Sold’ or ‘Vendor has Purchased Elsewhere’ or ‘This Won’t Last Long’. Be careful with that last one as it may suggest the place is falling to pieces.

‘‘The picture of the house is OK. Taken at an angle from up the hill it looks far better than it actually is. I notice you’ve not included a picture of yourself. Probably wise. With those teeth and the toupee there’s a touch of usedcar salesman about you, isn’t there?

‘‘You say you want to be honest and accurate. Good grief! It’s an ad for a property, not The Road Code.

‘‘Leave honesty and accuracy where it belongs, in sermons by the Archbishop of Canterbury or the instructions supplied with DIY kit sets. Listen to Question Time in Parliament and you’ll learn all you need to know about avoiding accuracy and honesty.

‘‘I shall watch your career with interest, Grubforth. Good luck.’’

A