Step change challenges the South
IT’S not often important people seek me out in my rural hideaway. My last such visitor was over a year ago, but then I owed him money. Last week’s notable was a quite unexpected intruder.
‘‘Tena koe, Jim. Chris Hipkins. Great to track you down.’’
‘‘Hipkins? Hipkins. Oh, you’re the Oamaru chap who talks a lot.’’
‘‘Good grief, no! That’s Jim Hopkins, the Oamaru celebrity. No, I’m Hipkins, a humble Minister of the Crown. I’m the Minister of Education and I’m keen to see that you columnists are fully informed about my great scheme.
‘‘I’ve asked the TEC and MoE to reshape ITOs into COVEs to set up RLGs as part of the NZIST to assist our ITPs and whanau and iwi working closely with wananga and also reviewing the NCEA. As you can appreciate, there’s not much of the alphabet we haven’t included in my cunning plan. Any questions?’’
‘‘Well, just one, really. What the hell are you talking about?’’
‘‘You obviously haven’t read the rather fine speech I gave last month. ‘Our Government is committed to delivering a step change.’ What could be clearer than that?’’
‘‘Um. You mean you intend to redesign the stairways in schools?’’
‘‘Good grief! Have you no knowledge of jargon? A step change is simply a major change.’’
‘‘Why not say so?’’
‘‘You must be joking. Using plain English is the mark of a simpleton. A minister must impress with trendy stuff. That’s why I said, ‘We need to collaborate to deliver on our government’s clear vision for education.’ People are impressed by such gobbledegook.’’
‘‘So that’s why it’s ‘our’ government, not ‘the’ government?’’
‘‘Exactly. People warm to ‘our’ or ‘my’. ‘The’ is an impersonal turnoff. This time it’s ‘our’ polytechs’ turn to be done over.’’
‘‘Any brave new plan is just a way of saving money. I imagine reorganising polytechs will avoid having to pay millions to those which go broke?’’
‘‘Well, there are bound to be savings when they are all under one centralised system. We would have just one bunch of administration bureaucrats instead of 16. Of course, there may be the odd redundancy, but you didn’t hear me use that word. After all, you can’t make an omelette without breaking an egg or two.’’
‘‘So cooking courses will feature in your new regime?’’
‘‘Of course, just as they do now. We call them ‘culinary arts courses’. In fact, at Otago Polytechnic you can do a bachelor’s degree in culinary arts. But under my brilliant new scheme, if the demand for chefs with degrees tapered off in the South but was strong in the north, my new governing body could at once move the thing to Auckland. Cooperation and collaboration orchestrated by an overarching authority. Brilliant, eh?’’
‘‘There may be a problem, minister. Wellperforming polytechs like Otago feel threatened.’’
‘‘Well, of course, that’s to be expected. I note a certain sensitivity to change in the South. But, look, I’ve bailed out Telford for a year. It would be up to my grand new national organisation to continue that or stop it based on what they see as best for every iwi and all New Zealanders.’’
‘‘I notice your launch speech rattled off phrases like
‘Centres of Vocational Excellence’ and ‘Industry Skills Bodies’ and made no mention of where these bodies and the jobs which go with them might be based.’’
‘‘Far too early to bogged down in that sort of stuff. Those are decision best left for election year. So next year we’ll look at marginal seats which could go our way with the odd good news announcement. Of course, as a Wellingtonian, I’m aware of the suitability of a central location.’’
‘‘You know about the outstanding success of Otago Polytechnic and the Southern Institute of Technology. A good case for establishing your new headquarters in the south?’’
‘‘Well, they haven’t gone broke. Invercargill say I should actually visit the place and I may have to now that I’ve foolishly said that a minster must always look at the broad picture and include input from all stakeholders. As I said in my speech, ‘we need to collaborate across the system with providers and educators, learners, employers and industry, Maori, iwi and communities’. Even Invercargill, I suppose.’’
‘‘So common sense and regional development have nothing to do with it?’’
‘‘Exactly. I’m sure anything you write now will give a fair and informed coverage of my plans for our children and our children’s children. Hell, I’ve organised five public meetings on this.’’
‘‘Not one of them south of Christchurch, I notice.’’
‘‘Not needed. Of course, Invercargill are moaning. They think I should visit their polytech before mucking about with it. Talk about sensitive!’’
He left and I was glad to see him go. He headed north, so don’t hold your breath, Dunedin and Invercargill polytechs.