THE SECRET DIARY OF...
DON BRASH
Hello. I’m Don Brash.
THE WOKE LEFT
Ugh. Racist! We don’t want to hear your opinions.
NEW ZEALAND
Good grief, this weather we’re having! That’s the thing, though. Winter is hardly ever that bad, and just when you think, ‘OK, now that it’s spring everything’s going to be warmer’, the whole country gets ravaged by cold fronts and storms and buckets of rain.
COLIN CRAIG
Hello. I’m Colin Craig.
THE WOKE LEFT
Ugh. Sexual harasser! We don’t want to know you exist.
NEW ZEALAND
The weather’s bad, sure, but you just have to get through it, and somehow keep the kids occupied in the school holidays. It’s not as if you can pack them off to the beach, unless you’re one of the lucky ones and you’ve gone to Fiji or the Cooks. Still, they’ve got their phones.
DON BRASH
It is entirely inappropriate for British High Commissioner Laura Clarke to express regret on behalf of the UK government over the death of nine Maori killed when Captain Cook first arrived in New Zealand.
THE WOKE LEFT
Shame on Brash.
NEW ZEALAND
OK, so the Canadians weren’t exactly a highcalibre opponent. But it was a thrilling sight to see the ABs run riot, and who can complain at the spectacle of SBW doing what he does best? That guy is totally awesome.
COLIN CRAIG
I have decided to go to the Court of Appeal to argue against the recent High Court finding that I sexually harassed my former press secretary.
THE WOKE LEFT
Shame on Craig.
NEW ZEALAND
As for Beauden Barrett ‘what can you say? This guy is taking his game to the next level at the World Cup. There’s nobody who comes near him, he’s simply the greatest player in the world right now’ and has been for the past two years.
DON BRASH
The only written account of what happened when Cook arrived is that recorded by James Cook himself in his diary, and his diary suggests that four, possibly five might have been killed. Nine is an exaggeration.
THE WOKE LEFT
Brash isn’t a scholar. He’s making these claims from a predetermined point of bias. But in any case the exact death toll at first contact isn’t the real issue; the real issue is colonisation, and its attendant and enduring evils.
NEW ZEALAND
Is Don Brash still going on about race? Really?
COLIN CRAIG
It’s a matter of principle. An appeal is expensive, but the last three cases I have done myself so I don’t have to pay lawyers very much when I do that.
THE WOKE LEFT
Craig is only doing this because he can afford it as a millionaire. He’s totally lost the plot and seems to have zero awareness of the affect this is having on his victim.
NEW ZEALAND
Is Colin Craig going back to court? You’re kidding, right?
DON BRASH
I have every right to voice my opinion.
COLIN CRAIG
I have every right to lodge an appeal.
THE WOKE LEFT
Ugh.
NEW ZEALAND
Ugh.