Togtherness is the ultimate marital test

COULD the lockdown cause more divorces? I asked Raymond Clapthorpe, PhD, a marriage guidance consultant by trade but best known for his canine obedience books Down Boy and Get In Behind!

‘‘You’re creating unnecessary panic here, Jim. Lockdown may cause a few frayed tempers, but a boom in divorces is unlikely, especially when you consider that noone much gets married these days, anyway. I’ve had four successful marriages and I know what I’m talking about.’’

Dr Clapthorpe’s wise words reassured me. That is, until my old mate George appeared last week, sobbing and gesticulating wildly.

In the 50 years I’ve known him I’ve never seen George actually crying.

He was close to it when they banned smoking in pubs and was certainly very tired and emotional after the Black Caps were robbed of the Cricket World Cup, but this was the real thing.

Tears, just like Australian

Prime Minister Bob Hawke talking about his daughter’s drug problem, his extramarital affairs or Chinese politics. Not at all like the home life of our own dear leader.

‘‘What’s wrong, George?’’ I called over the obligatory two metres. George, who knows I’m hard of hearing, shouted, ‘‘It’s the end, Jim. Judy can’t stand being locked up with me. She wants a divorce.’’

For the neighbours this drama was just what they needed after trying to kill time watching television. Small groups gathered at fences to hear more.

‘‘I thought we’d be OK,’’ George yelled. ‘‘Hell, we’ve kept at least two metres apart all our married lives, so this lockdown was really nothing new. We mingled a bit during the honeymoon and you know what that led to.’’

In fact, George and Judy had twin girls within nine months of their wedding so I knew what he meant. (Something of an aficionado of cinema, George named the girls Jayne and Diana after his two most admired actresses Jayne Mansfield and Diana Dors).

He was right about keeping apart from Judy. George was in retail in his working life and I don’t recall him ever being home. He’d wind down after a hard day at his menswear store by having a quiet one and many a time we had to carry him back to his loved one. It turned out that it wasn’t to where Judy lived but two houses along to a woman he told us he ‘‘did odd jobs for’’.

‘‘We’ve found we’ve got nothing in common,’’ George bellowed. ‘‘She can’t go to bridge now and refuses to learn to play draw poker. Being in the same house all day is a nightmare of nagging. I mean, how many times can a man put up with abuse every time he leaves the toilet seat up? And her cooking’s gone to the dogs. She used to open a can like an artist. Now she just rips into it any old how. And most of what she defrosts ends up as cold as a penguin’s bum.’’

I wanted to give the poor bloke a reassuring pat on the shoulder but with my short arms that would have been very dangerous. Instead, I told him to calm down.

‘‘You’ll see, George. Things aren’t that bad and once you and Judy sort things out the lockdown may be just the ticket for forging a brand new, positive relationship.’’

He grunted, wiped a tear or two away and shuffled off. The neighbours, disappointed that real life was so tame compared to the murders and mayhem of Coronation Street, drifted away to the pleasures of gardening and vacuuming.

I had no real hopes for George and Judy, though. He’s basically very selfish (in fact, never known to stand his round) and she’s a closet feminist (never burning her bra but always keeping her lighter tucked in there).

Blow me down if George didn’t turn up a few days later wearing a grin like Winston Peters after a visit to his dental hygienist.

‘‘All OK, Jim,’’ he called. ‘‘You see before you a happily married man.’’

‘‘Great stuff, George. Tell me more.’’

‘‘We decided to look on the bright side of the lockdown and the positives far outweigh the negatives. Those daughters and their bludging hangerson can’t drop in very five minutes. And I’m loving Coronation Street. Can’t wait to see if Gemma survives her breakdown and how Evelyn gets on with her date. Gripping stuff! Judy’s taken up poker and swears she’ll never go back to boring old bridge. After a couple of gins she admitted she doesn’t give a tinker’s how I leave the toilet seat and, you know, after a couple of weeks of never seeing another woman, I’m finding that Judy’s quite an attractive piece. Know what I mean?’’

Let’s hope all of us have such a happy ending to our lockdown. Good luck.