Erica spells out her case against media in time of virus
Dear Uncle Norm,
I’m sick of media nurds whyning re fate of media. Tech moves u ever on. Now viruss strikes them. If news rags + jurnos cant ajust too future, so be it. They belong in past. Heh, heh!
Erica. (via Instagram. Also liked on Hi Tone Gym’s Facebook page)
Erica, old sausage. Ancient wisdom is good wisdom. It says democracy crumbles unless the building is held up by Four Pillars. These are the Legislature, the Executive, the Judiciary and the Media. The journos’ job is to bark at (or better, bite) the first three, so keeping them honest for you. Your taxes pay for the first three pillars. But (mostly) the media pillar pays its own way. So should it fall — collapsing the lot?
Apologies. This explain got 2 many characters 4 Twitter. So U C wot problem is?
Dear Uncle Norm,
My dairy sells essentials, but gets robbed so frequently I store a cricket bat behind the till. (A GrayNicolls signed by Virat Kohli). Yesterday two patched gang members entered, hiding behind masks. ‘‘Cigarettes, mate!’’ they demanded.
By golly, I taught these fellows a damn fine lesson! One got my hook shot, and the other a square cut to the crotch that would do Sachin proud. Now the police are planning to charge me. What’s gone wrong?
Ajeet Singh. (address withheld)
Nice work Ajeet, we need more openers like you. When I checked your Cop Shop, they said the Mongrel Mob has decreed members who leave the gang’s clubroom bubble to do its daily shop must wear protective masks.
Dear Uncle Norm,
Why do the Donald Trumps insist that my World Health Organisation parrots Chinese policy. Nonsense! Altruistic
China has shared its Covid knowledge with the world — a point I’m proud to make clear. President Xi Jinping very kindly sent free face masks (many of which worked) to the poor countries. And China is streets ahead of Western democracies in taking back control of the virus.
China has decided to reopen its wet markets. I assure you they’ve promised both bats and pangolins will wear gloves, and sit at opposite ends of their cages. And now Trump cuts off WHO’s money supply. Cretinous!
Dr Tedros Adhanom Ghebreyesus, directorgeneral, WHO.
Tedros, you lost me three years ago when, after the Chinese helped shoehorn you into your new gig, you appointed Robert Mugabe a WHO Goodwill Ambassador. Zimbabwe’s dictator? Game, set and match for your creditability.
At last count Ethiopia (where you were a senior minister) had benefited from more than
$20 billion of Chinese ‘‘investment’’.
Dear Uncle Norm,
My idiot doctor has put me into home quarantine because he suspects I have coronavirus. How can this be possible when I have 306 rolls of toilet paper? Of course, my wife shares the quarantine with me, and after two weeks I remarked: “I can’t stand this any more. A whole fortnight with nobody to talk to.”
Emily then ended 40 years of marriage by walking out on me. Leaving is a disgraceful act. Do I dob her in for breaking our bubble?
Harold Paine. Caversham.
You need to make your case stronger. Perhaps check if she’s gone surfing at St Kilda?
Dear Uncle Norm,
I watch Covid19 unfold with despair. So many mistakes have been made. Do you think it’s possible there’s anything our Government has learned from it?
Imogen Cotter (by email)
There’s quite a bit, I’m sure. Take red tape. Jacinda must go home to Premier House and tell Clarke: ‘‘My God, it’s incredible what I can achieve when there’s no Red Tape. And when it’s impossible to flick problems off to some select committee.’’
We’re all learning how much is unnecessary. If the economic crisis lasts at least two years, so must crisis government at both local and national levels. Speed will be essential, and prevarication deadly. You couldn’t feel safe in a job in health and safety, or stringing out people who want resource consents. It’s not just the private sector that’s invented bulldust industries.
Dear Uncle Norm,
I am wasting lockdown time doing google doodles that discover things that don’t need discovering. Like — the first novel written on a typewriter was Tom Sawyer. Ancient English law let a husband cane his wife if the stick was no wider than his thumb — hence ‘‘the rule of thumb’’.
Did you know that 41.6% of googles are doodles? Reading that I realised that my real problem was actually Gin and Tonic. So I made my Covid resolution — I’m giving up drinking for a month. What’s yours?
Doris. Maori Hill.
This coincidence is odd. When lockdown began, I wrote down the same resolution. But I punctuated it differently. ‘‘I’m giving up. Drinking for a month.’’