THE SECRET DIARY OF... Takes centre stage in the shed
OK team of five million. Gather around. See this? It’s a Budget. And what it sets out to do is steady our nerve so we can get back out on the green and pleasant paddock, and get back into the game. I call it the Oranges at HalfTime Budget.
Passes the oranges
They are very sweet oranges and there are plenty to go around. I’ve got some wagesubsidy oranges. Some oranges for cleaner waterways. And do you know what I’ve got for school lunches? You guessed it. Some oranges.
Rolls up his sleeves
Look. You don’t need me to tell you that it’s been rough out there. We’ve all taken a hit. A lot of us are hurting. But what’s important when we get back on to the pleasant pastured paddock is that we keep our eyes on the ball. The problem is that we’ve been starved of the ball in lockdown. Well, those days are over. We now have a ball to play with, because I’ve gone and borrowed it. Future generations can give it back.
Shouts and hollers
O team of five million! I give you this ball of gold! I give you this ball of desire! I give you this ball which is a lot like a chariot of fire! Hold it, and pass it. Pass it, and hold it. It’s OK if we hold it, pass it, but don’t actually make any progress up the field because we’ll get there in the end.
Passes the oranges
Here, have another orange. Good for you.
Takes a deep breath
Some of you are asking where will it all end, and when. I’ll level with you. I don’t know. Noone knows. You want to ask Jacinda, be my guest. She’s got a faraway look in her eyes these days. I think she misses Ashley Bloomfield. Well, we all do. As for these oranges at halftime, the truth is that it isn’t halftime. I don’t know where we are at this stage of the game. Noone knows. It’s hard to make sense of anything right now.
Stares into the abyss
It’s very dark, and the nights are drawing in. Cold this time of year, isn’t it? Especially after dark. You don’t want to be outside after dark.
Stares even further
There aren’t that many oranges for tourism or welfare reform. But that’s not to say their time won’t come. They just have to work that little bit harder. I know it’s tough. I shook the tree as hard as I could and collected as many oranges as possible but there just wasn’t enough to help out everybody to the extent that I would have liked and besides, it was getting late, and dark, and cold, and I was scared that I might have deprived future generations.
Passes the oranges
But the good news is that I’ll be passing around more oranges a little bit later in the game, because all I can say with confidence is that this is a game with quite a lot of halves. — The New Zealand Herald