Let's talk about suicide - widow

QUEENSTOWN

THE widow of a suspected suicide victim wants to change the conversation around depression and mental health.

Queenstown woman Anna Dow’s husband, Craig, died in July.

The 46yearold was never diagnosed with depression, never disclosed he was having suicidal thoughts and never admitted how much he was struggling, Mrs Dow said.

She now has a message for others: if it could happen to her husband, it could happen to anyone.

‘‘It is this really horrible illness, an illness that people are afraid to voice. They are worried they will be pigeonholed or that it means there is something terribly wrong with them. [Depression] is a really treatable disease.’’

The Queenstown mother of two said some people were uncomfortable with how open and direct she had been about her husband’s illness and death.

When people felt awkward about talking to someone about the nature of their loved one’s death, it could make the person feel judged, and that was part of the problem, she said.

‘‘If he had died of cancer or a heart attack, everyone would express their condolences. Due to the nature of his death, some people don’t even acknowledge our loss.

‘‘Talking about suicide does not make someone suicidal. It opens a door to discussion to hopefully stop something.

‘‘I refuse to let my girls grow up thinking that they need to hide the cause of their father’s death . . . And I won’t let them be anything other than proud of the dad that he was before his illness took over.

‘‘I can only assume that he was ashamed to admit that he needed help . . . because over his entire life we, as a society, told him that that was what he should feel.’’

She also questioned the effectiveness of the public health system after being told the wait to see a counsellor was four to six weeks.

A phone consultation was offered, but one call was missed and a second never came, she said.

‘‘Would an inperson meeting have helped? I don’t know. Would that phone conversation have helped? Again, I don’t know.

‘‘But that’s not really the point. The point is, there was no alternate path or option that we could have taken. There was nothing else offered.’’

Her husband did see his GP a couple of weeks before his death, prompted by her.

She did not know what discussions took place during that

15minute consultation, or if he asked for help.

She had noticed changes in his behaviour and these escalated following lockdown, she said.

During the last three weeks his sleep was limited, and he became obsessed with work and withdrew from life at home, Mrs Dow said.

While she tried to persuade him to talk, he simply put it down to work stress.

Since his death, she had received limited support from the health system or government agencies, she said.

She had asked friends to roleplay with her on how she would tell her daughters the devastating news.

She had noone to coach her on what to say.

‘‘There is no suicide survivors support groups available. I have been told that should I want one, I will have to start it myself — the thought is exhausting.’’

Louise Travers, general manager mental health addictions and intellectual disability at the Southern DHB, said she was unable to comment on Mr Dow’s death.

She stressed a GP visit was the first option for anyone suffering from mental health problems.

‘‘When a person in Southern visits their GP about a mental health concern, the GP can refer them to a range of different services, depending on the needs of the patient and the severity of their condition. If their needs are assessed as mild to moderate, they are usually referred to primary and community providers. If concerns become more significant, they may be referred to the Southern DHB’s specialist mental health and addiction service.

‘‘The Southern DHB mental health and addiction services have implemented etriaging for our referrals from GPs, which enable the actions regarding the referral to be communicated back to the GP in real time. Once the referral has been accepted there is not a significant wait to be seen. Southern DHB also has a 24hour crisis service available.’’

Mr Dow’s death has been referred to the coroner.

Mrs Dow will speak at a Wakatipu Mental Health Forum being held today at the Queenstown Events Centre, starting at 6.30pm.

❛ It is this really horrible illness, an illness that people are afraid to voice