Loser seeking little country in which to lick his wounds
HEY Jac, This is Donald Trump and you know who I am. GREATEST HUMAN being since Jesus Christ and he was a bigtime LOSER, anyway. On death row at 33 and not a dollar to his name.
Now, listen up! Have I got a deal for you!
How’d you like a real president for your country? About time you shook off that thousandyearold Limey dame and tried the American way! The elections in the States were rigged by those snaky Democrats and even the 203 lawyers I’ve got on the case reckon I still might lose. That’s justice for you! Come January I might be free to explore some options and, boy, are you lucky, because they tell me Noo Zealand is the place to be.
Declare your country a republic and you’ve got a readymade Republican president ready to make Noo Zealand Great! I’ve got it all. More money than the Noo Zealand First National has room for and I can get it straight into your country if I can keep these crooks from the US Inland Revenue Service off my back. Sexual assault cases to sort, too.
Maybe you don’t have a White House but what the hell! My tastes are simple. There’s a Sky Tower in your capital Oakland. Hey, there’s an Oakland in California so I guess God planned this move. Maybe we could put up something like Trump Tower in Oakland. Say up to 350 metres, Noo Zealand’s tallest building with 60 floors of casinos. Whaddya say? Oakland could be bigger than Vegas. And I bet you just love Vegas.
Now, I know things are tough right now in Noo Zealand with this Chinese disease raging like a California wildfire but I’m the man to beat it for you. I’ve already beaten it. I’m a physical phenomenon the doctors tell me. They’ve never seen a healthier body. Only Randy the giant baboon at San Diego Zoo tested better but he’s never been president of the greatest country in the world. Well, not yet. I’ll bring all the disinfectant you need to inject into every Noo Zealander. Jac, your troubles will be over.
You got any foreign affairs problems. I’M YOUR MAN! I’ve had more affairs that you’ve had hot dinners and foreign ones I’m into in a big way. Hell, at least a couple of my wives came from pretty weird places. Czechoslovakia and Slovenia, for goodness sake! Any trouble you got with countries you don’t agree with? I’ll fix it. Goddam, I’ve ordered strikes on just about all the nasty people I come across. They tell me, Jac, you like to be kind to people. OK. But don’t say I didn’t warn you when the Chinese hordes take over your country. All this talk about making friends is just so much bull dust.
Looking forward to settling in Noo Zealand because I’ve always loved the Europe. My granddaddy was Swedish even though the socalled experts say he was German. We need to keep Europe free of undesirables from Africa and the Middle East and as president of Noo Zealand I’ll a get 10metre wall of steel built right on all the borders. Let those clowns try and beat that!
Do you play golf in Noo Zealand?
I’m one of the world’s greatest golfers and I own about 17 golf courses. I could build you a decent one in New Zealand. Maybe we could play around? Even do a golf game together? Hey, it’s all ahead of you, babe, with President Donald Trump in charge. And you have television? I can do my own show. You know I hosted that great reality show The Apprentice for years. Don’t believe the Fake News creeps who tell you Desperate Housewives had more viewers than The Apprentice. Hey, a Noo Zeeland The Apprentice could make your country great. And what a First Family you’ll be getting. First Lady my beautiful wife Melania, onetime model. I bet all those Noo Zealand guys drooled when they saw her on the cover of Sports Illustrated a year of two back. Boy, that string bikini and the sixfoot inflatable whale she was hugging made me proud to be an American. You have whales in Noo Zealand? Melania still has the bikini and we could do a photo spread that would make your country look great. And we’ll bring the boy, Barron. Only a teenager but he can chew gum and write his name at the same time. He’s a genius and a great role model for all young men in Noo Zealand.
That’s the deal. Send me a tweet or get on the horn and tell me you’re all for it.
What Donald Trump could do for Noo Zealand is unimaginable and you’ll be remembered as the chick who made it all possible. Now, how sexy is that?
WINNER!
DONALD TRUMP