Young mumbler and careers master find jobs
‘‘COME in, Simpson. Take a pew. It’s my job as careers master to guide you towards the most suitable job now that you’re about to leave school. There’s not much joy in your file. Didn’t make the First XV, kicked out of the Third XI for vaping while fielding at long on and I see your marks in every subject are pretty dismal. First time I’ve seen a minus mark in a maths exam result. The hostel manager has noted that you are ‘a lazy little twerp’. You seem to have wasted your five years here.’’
‘‘Not really, sir. I was in the drama production this year. Leading role. My parents came up to see it.’’
‘‘Speak up, lad. Don’t mumble. What was the play?’’
‘‘Romeo and Juliet, Sir. Shakespeare, I think.’’
‘‘And how did you enjoy playing Romeo?’’
‘‘I was Juliet, actually, sir. Mr Robinson said we were doing authentic Shakespeare. In his day men played the women’s roles.’’
‘‘Really. What did Mum and Dad think of it?’’
‘‘Mum said I looked gorgeous, but Dad had to have a bit of a laydown afterwards.’’
‘‘Understandable, I suppose. But we still need to find a job for you, Simpson.’’
‘‘Well, sir, I’ve been watching Shortland Street and it helped me sort out what I want to do.’’
‘‘Oh, fantastic! So all that pressure from Health Minister Andrew Little to get the soap to put a positive spin on nursing as a career has paid off. So, nursing is your choice, Simpson. A very wise move. There’s a great demand for male nurses, so you should do well.’’
‘‘Actually, sir, I don’t want to be a nurse. In Shortland Street the nurses just seem to hang around the reception desk having arguments or sneaking away from intensive care to have it off with some pretty dodgy doctors. Not my style. What the show did, though, was help me make up my mind to be an actor.’’
‘‘Actor! Have you told your parents?’’
‘‘Yeah, Dad was hoping I’d come back to the farm. He had to have a laydown when I told him. It’s hard getting farm workers these days and he’s been advertising for a married couple for ages.’’
‘‘Oh, any success?’’
‘‘Just a few replies. Nothing useful, though.’’
‘‘Maybe the minister of agriculture needs to get the Country Calendar crowd to run a few episodes on the joys of being a married couple on a farm?’’
‘‘Well, I think two couples did visit the farm to check out the job. One married couple turned out to be a couple of women and Dad couldn’t handle that. Had to go and have a lay down.’’
‘‘What about the other married couple who applied?’’
‘‘Turned out to be a couple of blokes. Dad had a laydown and a bit of a nervous breakdown over that. He’s a pretty oldfashioned guy. He’s always on about bringing back capital punishment and giving young blokes a spell in the army to straighten them out. Drives me crazy when I’m at home.’’
‘‘So, he’s had no luck getting a married couple?’’
‘‘No. Odd really. It’s a good, easy job. Bit of stock work and just helping out here and there. Some cooking for the wife at shearing time but not much else. Nice house goes with it and, of course, all the mutton you want. School bus at the gate and petrol supplied from the tank on the farm. Pretty good job for the right couple, I’d say.’’
‘‘You know, Simpson, I’m just about at the end of my tether with this teaching business. Dealing every day with people like you. Lazy, disrespectful young hoons with noses buried in their cellphones all day. You are one of the worst, I think. Did you ever read a book?’’
‘‘Book? No, not really, sir. Apart from Romeo and Juliet, of course.’’
‘‘Exactly. Well, here’s something else to read. It’s a pamphlet from Otago University. There’s a theatre studies crowd there. I see they offer voice and movement and you moved in here under you own steam and you’ve mumbled a few words to me, so I’d say you’re halfway to a good degree. Mumbling is an essential in acting, I’m told. I’ve never watched Shortland Street but if you ever get a part in it, let me know.’’
‘‘Thank you, sir. I will, sir.’’ ‘‘Right, that’s you settled, Simpson. But you’ve got me thinking. I go home every day in a grumpy mood, I can tell you. The wife keeps telling me to chuck teaching. Your dad’s still looking for a married couple?’’ ‘‘Yes, sir.’’
‘‘Leave me his phone number, will you? Good luck with the acting. Don’t forget to mumble. Pardon?’’
‘‘I said ‘thank you, sir’, sir.’’