Love grows great humans
THERE are two major emotions that rule our lives. It is what we make many decisions on and they mould our character, the choices we make and where we end up. These emotions are love and fear. Many of our actions are based on a limited resource mentality, we do not want to give things away for fear of losing them. Our culture is largely based on the law of scarcity – hoard and protect, what is ours is ours, and thou shalt not take what is not yours.
Anxiety is designed to protect us. The childhood story of my generation, The Grasshopper and the Ant, tells us if you don’t save for the winter, you may starve. Fear dominates our lives at every corner: the scarcity of car parks in a city, motorway space, seats on a bus, food on our shelves. Some of us are better hunter gatherers and savers than the rest.
The distribution of wealth is uneven, poverty is endemic as fear has driven some of us to stockpile to the max. In New Zealand, it has been estimated that the top 10 per cent of the population own 60 per cent of the country’s wealth.
Love is a tricky emotion to define and measure. It has a biochemical basis with the love hormone, oxytocin, which is sometimes called the cuddle hormone. It is released when we bond with others and snuggle up. Playing with your dog can release oxytocin. It is also related to how we bond with our children and our parents. Fathers who were given a snort of oxytocin played more with their kids. Men in relationships who were given oxytocin stood further away from women than single men, so it provides a role in social bonding.
To me that explains why love can hurt. Withdrawal of love and relationships means we can experience pain, a broken heart a physical withdrawal from the chemical buzz of cuddling and bonding and the security of being close to another human or pet. It’s like coming down off a drug.
On the flip side, love is an emotion of unlimited resource and we can manufacture it and make our own oxytocin by removing fear and experiencing love. When you have children, you don’t have a limited amount of love, so when the next one comes along, they get less.
As fear drives our behaviour to generate a fixed mindset, love can help us develop a growth mindset. It’s important to note that I am not promoting a return to some kind of free love society of the 60s and the infidelity that resulted.
I am promoting a love for other humans who are struggling to make ends meet, a love for ourselves, a love for the environment, a love for our pets and a love for our planet.
As humans, we are all trying to find the same thing, what the Greeks called eudaemonia, a state of happiness and flourishing. It is also what drives our behaviour. Those who think more money will make them happier, hoard more. Those in poverty believe having money to get them above the bread line will make them happier.
So, try practising giving. It’s a chemical as well as a metaphorical buzz. Love the sunrise, the rainy day, the observation of our fellow humans as we scurry around seeking eudaemonia. Love the journey that you are on, and bask in the glow of your own oxytocin as you make more of your decisions based on love, not fear. Love grows great humans.
● kyndwellness.com
● drtomonamission.com ● healthythinking.biz
Dr Tom Mulholland is a GP with 30 years’ experience in New Zealand. He’s currently on a mission, tackling health issues around New Zealand.