Leading the news . .
Players and supporters enjoy the first rest day at the Cricket World Cup since the tournament began on February 14. Around New Zealand, men turn to the spot their wives and girlfriends were the last time they looked, and realise they’ve been living alone since Valentines Day.
TUESDAY
Auckland strip club Calendar Girls is warned over a plane pulling an advertising banner for the club at the game between Australia and New Zealand at Eden Park on Saturday. The advertisement breached the Major Events Management Act, and although strip club management say it had no significant impact, spectators couldn’t help but notice all 22 men on the field working very hard together to get the match wrapped up by 7pm.
The Melbourne Cricket Ground announces that it’s slashing the price of food and drink at the stadium. Fans in New Zealand call on our stadiums to do the same, but a spokesman for Eden Park says its prices are comparable to most fast food chains. The spokesman then pops off to McDonald’s for lunch and orders his ‘‘usual’’ – the $18 cold burger, soggy chips and drink combo.
Fans attending heavy metal concert Westfest at Mt Smart Stadium claim they were scalded with boiling water when the singer from the band Antemasque threw a plastic kettle into the crowd. A spokesperson for Mt Smart says the fans should look on the bright side: if they’d been at Eden Park they would also have been charged $5 for the water.
British researchers release the results of a survey that measured 15,000 men’s penises to determine what constitutes ‘‘normal-sized’’ anatomy. They found the average penis is 13.12 centimetres long, although they noted that the average is a little longer in Australia due to an aberration caused by one 170-centimetre dick called David Warner.
WEDNESDAY
The NRL announces it will change referees’ uniforms from pink to red or blue in order to gain more respect for the officials from players this season. Blaming players’ behaviour on what the people around them are wearing is just another example of the progressive attitudes that have served rugby league so well off the field over the past few years.
Black Caps captain Brendon McCullum is still sporting a large lump on his arm after being struck by a fast delivery at the match against Australia at Eden Park. On a hunch, coach Mike Hesson instructs a couple of his quickies to bowl at the lump and by Saturday it is striking the ball so cleanly it’s named to open the batting against Afghanistan in Napier.
Journalist Nicky Hager announces he will begin dripfeeding spying revelations over the coming days. When questioned about tomorrow’s revelations, John Key says he’ll ‘‘sleep like a baby tonight’’, and sure enough he wakes up every 45 minutes screaming, requires several nappy changes and will only go back to sleep when Bronagh pats his bottom firmly while making shushing sounds.
THURSDAY
McDonald’s announces it will stop making McNuggets from chickens raised with antibiotics, a practice some say is in-part responsible for antibiotic-resistant bacteria, that kill 23,000 people in the US annually. The fast food company says the changes will be rolled out in two years’ time, if humanity lasts that long.
ASB temporarily changes its name to ABS to celebrate the bank’s new sponsorship of the All Blacks. Confused customers watching the advertisements make complaints about the name change, complaints that, ironically, will end up being heard by the BSA.
An 11th fruit fly is found in the Auckland suburb of Grey Lynn. A panicky Ministry for Primary Industries resorts to increasingly desperate tactics, offering people living in the suburb a share of $1 million dollars if they catch a fruit fly with one hand while wearing an orange T-shirt.
FRIDAY
TV3 reveals the identities of the 12 women looking for love in upcoming series The Bachelor NZ. The network still hasn’t confirmed the identity of the bachelor himself, but has already ruled out its three biggest stars: Mike McRoberts, John Campbell, and the X Factor guy who spent time in prison for manslaughter.
Events promoter Duco announces a celebrity boxing match between released prisoner Teina Pora and a policeman, to take place ‘‘within three months’’. The announcement sparks outrage, supporters of Pora pleading with media to give him some space to rebuild his life. ‘‘Uh oh,’’ says a spokesperson for TV3. ‘‘You guys are really not going to enjoy our announcement about The Bachelor.’’