In the news .
Minister Paula Bennett promotes the Government’s new ‘‘social housing’’ initiative, saying that getting a state house in the current situation is like winning a lottery. Bennett lives in a house in west Auckland, which is more like picking two numbers and the bonus ball.
Auckland neighbours continue to argue over a large statue of the god Shiva erected by Hindi Ravin Chandar in his backyard. Chandar’s Catholic neighbour Bryce Watts is opposed to the statue and says no member of the public should ever be forced to look at a giant religious icon, apart from a cathedral in the centre of every major town and city, obviously.
Prince Harry visits Stewart Island where he learns to shuck the famous Bluff oyster while visiting the local community centre. Later that night he takes part in a pub quiz and is forced to cancel his flight back to the UK after winning a bar tab only redeemable during next week’s quiz.
Young mother Susan O’Brien is found 24 hours after going missing during a trail race through Rimutaka Forest Park. When rescuers find her she was sitting in a hole and drinking her own breast milk. The extraction took longer than expected because they thought it was a booby trap.
TUESDAY
Wellington skaters are causing damage to the Anzac cenotaph near Parliament by performing tricks on the newly renovated memorial. A number of measures have been proposed including fines and steel inserts to prevent sliding, though they’re surely ignoring the most appropriate solution: handing discipline of the skaters over to Willie Apiata in a pair of steel capped boots.
TV3 confirms 10 celebrity contestants for its new reality show Dancing With the Stars including boxer Shane Cameron, and broadcaster Pam Corkery. The physically intimidating fighter is famous for leaving a string of heavyweight opponents in a bruised and bloody mess, and Shane Cameron has a good record, too.
WEDNESDAY
Queenstown is named the world’s most scenic airport approach, according to a survey by luxury jet company PrivateFly. Clients of the company applauded the city’s magnificent mountain backdrop and particularly praised the way it temporarily distracted them from the deep loneliness of being an unbearable prick who hires private jets.
Wellington’s Public Health Association lobbies council to introduce a new bylaw that would ban residents from smoking in Civic Square and outside the city’s waterfront bars. Wellington’s music community is up in arms about the law, pointing out that most albums to come out of the city in the past 20 years were created and largely listened to by people who were smoking something.
THURSDAY
Wellington is deluged with rain, causing slips, traffic problems and school closures. On the bright side the flooding washes away the few remaining people smoking outside bars, resulting in the city council’s fastest ever resolution to a disputed issue.
Department of Statistics announces that the 2018 census will be primarily online, with the majority of Kiwis predicted to fill the forms out via a dedicated web page. However they won’t be able to use their smart phones – having taken a punt on newcomer ‘‘the internet’’ the Department of Statistics will wait at least a further five years to see if mobile phones catch on.
Madam Tussaud’s in Hollywood unveils a new wax model of New Zealand pop sensation Lorde. Tussaud’s won’t reveal anything about the top secret process of creating the model, denying that they just chucked purple lipstick on an old sculpture of Darlene from Roseanne.
FRIDAY
Mayor of Taupo David Trewavas says he’s successfully managed to reduce the number of job losses at nearby Tongariro-Rangipo prison from 67 to 37. He says he’s proud of the town for pitching in and committing the hundreds of premeditated grievous assaults and burglaries needed to make the prison work.
The students of decile one Southern Cross School in South Auckland get ready for the arrival of Prince Harry. The children are very excited about the royal visit, not yet realising that, later in the morning, one of them will be forced to fight a hungry lion for his amusement.