Dysfunctional England ripe for the plucking
THE ONE and only time that New Zealand won a cricket test at Lord’s, a 29-year-old with a military short back and sides was bowling England to the bottom of the test rankings.
Back in 1999, he had already humiliated Chris Read with a looping, slower yorker that the English keeper had attempted to duck. Now he was turning to the pavilion, fists clenched, in celebration of the fifth wicket that would place him on the honours board. Our hero’s name, of course, is Chris Cairns.
Shakespeare’s Falstaff called honour a mere scutcheon, and the fat man may have been right. Honour is not a lot of good to the heroic Cairns now as he prepares to face his accuser, Brendon McCullum, in an October perjury trial.
Is it really barely two years since McCullum said of England’s Alastair Cook: ‘‘He’s obviously a genius batsman. Where he is at in his career at the moment, he’s as good as anyone who has played the game – probably barring Bradman. He’s enjoying the captaincy as well and leading from the front.’’
Now Cook, who looks like the third Miliband brother, is almost gone. England’s captain has scarcely scored a run since, and his team, with poor Jonathan Trott twice returning home shell- shocked, has not been seen near the front.
Opening partners and summer swallows – Nick Compton, Michael Carberry, Sam Robson – have come and been. Last summer India, who had only ever won a solitary test match at the old St John’s Wood cricket ground, humiliated England at Lord’s. The gangling Ishant Sharma, often about as menacing as ladies’ fingers, blasted them out with bouncers.
New Zealand will not need to be as far-fetched as that. They can – and, dare I say it, should – win. They are now up to third in the test rankings, two places ahead of England, who survive ahead of Pakistan and Sri Lanka due to past victories that will soon be wiped from the slate.
Two years ago, Stuart Broad broke New Zealand at Lord’s. He and Jimmy Anderson bowled 22.3 overs unchanged – and, given that they were 29 for 6 at one point, the Black Caps could be said to have salvaged a score of 68 all out. But no-one would be surprised by a reversal of fortune when the test begins on Thursday.
Anderson will be 33 this summer, and Broad 29. They have played a lot of cricket, and Broad admits that he is still having nightmares after having his nose broken by India’s Varun Aaron last summer. Chris Cairns celebrates the fourth of six first-innings wickets against England at Lord’s in 1999 – New Zealand’s only victory at the ground.
In contrast, Tim Southee and Trent Boult are in their mid-20s and absolute pomp. And the Kiwi pacemen are backed by Mark Craig, who bowled them to victory in the recent tour match against Somerset, just as Anderson and Broad were once backed by Graeme Swann.
Ian Smith says: ‘‘I think we’re a real chance. We always find a guy who thrives at Lord’s.’’
Richard Hadlee was a genius at Lord’s. Dion Nash took 11 wickets in 1994. Daniel Vettori is on the honours board. New Zealand bowl well at the home of cricket and, although Gary Ballance scored three centuries for England at Lord’s last summer, and Joe Root got a double ton, expect McCullum’s bowlers to thrive again.
They can also profit from bowling into Kevin Pietersen’s footmarks. As Smith acknowledges, New Zealand are not as good at making mischief as the Aussies – but who could resist dropping a few innocent words about KP?
‘‘Oh, isn’t Kevin playing? Is he injured? We heard he got 350 not out last week in county cricket. A lack of trust, you say? Who’s the new director of cricket? Oh, Andrew Strauss. Did he sack Pietersen? I thought he was already sacked. Didn’t Pietersen once call Strauss a ‘doos’? Can you sack a bloke who has already been sacked?’’
And so it goes on. What a mess England cricket is in.
They don’t have a coach. Strauss sacked him, too. But Strauss, who is not going to interfere, you understand, has already confirmed Cook’s captaincy and Root’s appointment as vice-captain.
It’s all about trust, says Strauss, while not trusting the future coach to choose his own skippers.
Meanwhile, KP was told by Tom Harrison, the CEO of the England and Wales Cricket Board, that he would like to meet – no, don’t be silly, Kevin, of course it won’t be to tell you that we don’t want you. And so they meet, and Pietersen, who has given up a lot of IPL money to play county cricket on the assurances of Colin Graves, the ECB chairman, is told they don’t want him.
Pietersen blows up, and Harrison replies: ‘‘I am sorry you feel that way, Kevin.’’
Is there any more deadly sentence in the English language? It’s viciously patronising, it’s not sorry at all, it implies you’re missing the point, and there is that murderous use of the Christian name. The ECB have even made New Zealand Cricket’s shameful treatment of Bruce Edgar look half decent.
And so a New Zealand captain, who is soon to be in a London court to testify against a former New Zealand captain, walks out to shake hands with a manipulative English captain in charge of an unloved team.
Tom Stoppard looks on and reckons it’s a hell of a script. And all in the name of honour.
Play.
The Black Caps can profit from bowling into Kevin Pietersen’s footmarks.