#Ask Jaquie
Our agony aunt Jaquie Brown laughs in the face of your toughest personal questions.
QI’m a 45-year-old middleclass white male, and I think I’m about due a mid-life crisis. Unfortunately, I can’t afford a Maserati or even one of the sleekerlooking two-door Mazdas. I am happy and still more attracted to my wife than any of the 20something young things in my office, and am not sure that I want to start wearing the drop-crotch pants that would prove that I was still a fashionable young man at heart. What should I do? – Dennis, via email
AYou find your wife attractive? Whoa, you are in way deeper than I thought. Honestly, I have no idea know how to help you. That’s messed up. Can’t you just pretend to be dissatisfied with your lot? It’s way less suspicious and you’ll blend in with the younger set seamlessly. Treat your happy mindset like a lotto win. Keep that info on lock down, don’t so much as squeak it to another person or you will be exposed and life as you know it will be over. I’m sorry you are suffering like this, I wish I could do more for you but I’m out of my depth.
QI’ve developed a bit of an inappropriate crush on the cleaner at work. I often work late so am in the office when he’s there and find myself watching him and trying to strike up a conversation. He’s probably half my age and there is a bit of a language barrier but he’s really sweet and super hot. Do you think I should go for it? – Toby, via email
AToby, congratulations, you’ve found your unicorn. A man so rare and magical not many believe he even exists. But he does! I’m so happyslash-jealous. Halous? Jeppy? Whatever you want to name it, you must go for it. Full frontal, don’t hold back. A man that can clean is a dream come true. I’m sweating as I type. The other benefits can’t be ignored, either: his core strength from lugging that futuristic backpack vacuum cleaner around would be unparalleled. You mentioned the language barrier, cast that worry aside. Just insist you keep the vacuum on each time you are together, that way if he turns out to be better at dustbusting than conversation you can just rely on the romance language of mime. And if you get sick of him, send him my way. My floors are a disgrace.
A man that can clean is a dream come true. I’m sweating as I type.