Jaquie Brown suggests whacky ways to refresh relationships.

I’d like to acknowledge all the people who have emailed me this week after reading last week’s answer about grief. I’m glad you felt you could share your stories with me. Everyone will have a story of loss in their lifetime, I just hope we can all be real with one another and hopefully that act in itself lightens the load. Q Me and my partner both have busy work schedules and have a lot of serious things going on in our personal lives. This has resulted in an almost non-existent sex life and I feel very disconnected in the relationship. I don’t know what to do to fix this? Please help!

AWe can’t be happy and up and connected all the time.

I know this feeling, I think we all do. Especially if you add having young children to the mix. There really isn’t much sexy about being woken at 5am by a two-year-old stroking your face with a toothbrush (really happened to me this week). Life has a habit of getting between couples. Sometimes it can feel like groundhog day, an ever rotating joyless experience of chores and responsibilities. But with no sex or Bill Murray in sight to make it fun.

The thought that has plagued me recently is that I think I’ve lost my sense of humour. That being on the hamster wheel of life has worn down my joie de vivre. It’s probably true, but I’m actually OK with it because I know from talking to my friends that this feeling is extremely common. We can’t be happy and up and connected all the time. We all have moments of feeling distant then close again, feeling happy and flat – it’s the rhythm of life and of a normal relationship, I think.

I believe the real issue is that we have massive pressure on us to be connecting all the time through sex. If you take a look at any ‘women’s magazine’ (*barf*) or movie or even TV show, the leads always show their attraction and interest through sex. We’re being taught that sexual desire and action is a manifestation of love, but it’s not the only way to have a close connection.

There are other ways to feel connected without even taking your socks off. Talk. Talk about feeling disconnected. Tell your partner you miss them. Remember when you were first getting together and you’d spend hours talking? How close and good you felt then? You can get there again.

My other suggestion would be to break the routine together and do something physical and fun. Take your car through the car wash together and roll your windows down during the drying phase. I defy you to not laugh together. These are actual things that I do, by the way. And I am aware they make me sound like a dork, which I am, so that’s fine too. It’s just about finding things that bring you some fun and refresh you from your everyday. If you can view sex as a ‘‘bonus’’ part to your connection then it’ll really help you focus on the other goodness that is there for you.