With liberty and justice for all
One simple test could determine whether you measure up as a New Zealander, writes David Slack.
My grandmother’s grandmother arrived in New Zealand the same week the Treaty of Waitangi was signed.
She was 14. I imagine she was in a bonnet and a big dress. One of the men who came down to meet the boat scooped her out and stood her on the Petone foreshore. Kia ora. What do you think of New Zealand so far? ‘‘Going to marry that girl,’’ he told the other young men. A year or two later he did. My grandmother’s grandfather. They trundled a bullock cart over the sand, beach after beach, Paraparaumu, Waikanae, Otaki, to a small block in Rangitikei where they chopped and sawed and milked and churned and had 16 children and each of them had 16 or so children as well, and here we are. Who can say if you’d have been better off without us? All I know is we never signed a values statement. Should we have? Should we now? David Seymour would like to see new arrivals do it, but what about the people already here? Do we measure up? Or are we trouble?
And never mind a flimsy signature. Anyone can pretend to sign up to deeply held values, whatever they might be. What you need is a test. A proper test. A test you can’t fake. Here’s one I prepared earlier.
Do you believe with all your heart and soul in New Zealand, democracy and the mighty ABs? a. Yes. b. You bet! I even have the Lockwood flag streaming from my spoiler. c. Yes. Can I go now?
Are avocados a fundamental human right? a. Yes, a $6 avocado is an outrage. b. No, people need to get themselves an app that tells them what time of year it is. c. No, I never mind paying a bit extra. Every time I see our supermarket owner getting into his Porsche I feel like I own a little bit of it.
Anyone can pretend to sign up to deeply held values, whatever they might be.
You get to a pedestrian crossing in your Audi and some clown is standing there waiting to cross. Who has right of way? a. Your Audi. b. The clown, but only if he’s mistaken you for a Corolla.
This week Paula Bennett said ‘‘I’ve never . . . given information about somebody. When I have, I’ve been totally straight up about the fact that I’ve done it.’’ Is she being funny? a. Yes. I saw her on Seven Days and she was quite good, really. b. No, I believe everything she says. You can tell just by the way her eyes and face move all the time. c. No, frankly this is disrespectful to a future PM.
The Transport Agency is trusting Steel and Tube to investigate itself after the company imported substandard steel for the Huntly Bypass. What does this tell us about New Zealand today? a. There’s nothing we can’t do ourselves. b. We really only need the government for keeping out refugees and giving us tax cuts. c. She’s always been right and she always will be.
When a listener to RNZ National writes that Teina Pora was ‘‘quite happy in prison until the do-gooders came along’’ do you wonder what’s happening to this country? a. Yes. b. Yes.
What is an unexpected item in the bagging area? a. A $6 avocado. b. Something you throw at Steven Joyce. c. Paula Bennett.
What is the biggest growth opportunity in the New Zealand economy today? a. Freaking people out about meth contamination in their house. b. Avocados. c. High-quality steel. d. Tiny apartments for the cost of a house.
Who is Andrew Judd? a. One of the guys on The Block that isn’t Dyls or Dylz. b. A New Zealand hero. c. Wasn’t he in Split Enz?
Twenty-six weeks of paid parental leave is: a. Nice to have. b. Not as nice to have as tax cuts. c. Not a good idea when people need to get back to work ASAP and pay some more of their $800k mortgage.
If my grandmother’s grandmother was getting off the boat today, what would be on her Instagram? a. Random who lifted me out of the boat. lol. b. Guy who lifted me out of the boat. omg. c. Totally lifted me out of the boat RN. OMG!!!OMG!!!
@DavidSlack