From the (light) heart
Your uterus is your business says agony aunt Jaquie Brown.
When Jaquie Brown first began writing an agony aunt column for the Sunday Star-Times, her tongue was firmly in her cheek. But our readers have responded to the emerging authenticity of her advice. She, in turn, has been overwhelmed by readers’ response, especially to her column this month about losing her sister-in-law to cancer. We invite you to join the conversation by asking Jaquie your burning question: askjaquie@startimes.co.nz. FOCUS p12
QWe’ve been trying for a baby for a few years. Dealing with the fertility treatment and having had a miscarriage recently is hard enough without everyone constantly asking us when we’re going to have a baby. Any advice on how to deal with insensitive questions/comments would be appreciated or I’m worried I’ll just start suckerpunching people so they know how I feel every time I’m asked.
AWhy does everyone assume that as soon as we are paired off or reach a certain age we’re going to start squeezing out babies left, right and centre? First of all, that’s unhygienic. Secondly, why is it anyone’s business but ours?
It’s generally believed that all women yearn to be mothers. Some do. But guess what? Some don’t. For some it’s a calling and a focus, for others it’s not something they ever really considered and they get love and satisfaction from other areas of their lives. There are no rules that say you must breed, but society and commerce is geared towards it, so it’s hard to escape.
That choice is so private and personal. But something along the way has turned making babies into a public free-for-all. Not only do you have to deal with unwanted opinions and judgment about when to start a family, if you are fortunate enough to get pregnant you soon find your body isn’t your own. There is so much unsolicited bump-rubbing. Random hands appearing stroking your belly like it’s going to help them win Lotto.
And then there are the questions like you are experiencing now. I do think a lot of it stems from social awkwardness. Filling the gaps in a conversation with what they think they should ask. They don’t even know how much their seemingly innocent question stings, and it’s certainly worse if they are rubbing their already pregnancy belly as they ask.
It can be very frustrating and upsetting to have to try to explain to someone you barely know where you are at on your baby-making journey. It’s no-one’s business – except yours. Interesting that this is something only women have to deal with. You never hear of a guy being asked about where he’s deposited his sperm lately.
And if you’ve already gone through the heartbreak of a miscarriage, you’ll want a protective wall around you, I understand that.
A few years ago I wrote a book I’m not fat, I’m pregnant and I’m sorry this is going to sound like a total hijack of self-promotion but in the book – page 67 to be exact – I list some things to say to people who won’t leave your fertility status alone. They are meant to be humorous but I think they ring true. Query: Are you pregnant yet? Possible responses: ‘‘Latest research suggests only stupid people can get pregnant…’’ ‘‘I’m allergic to sperm.’’ ‘‘It’s funny you should ask, I just this morning ordered one online. . . so hopefully it’ll be here next week then you can shut the f... up about it!’’
That last one demands you turn and dramatically walk off.
I know they are silly but I hope they help, if even to make you smile and I truly wish you all the best on your path to parenthood.
Jaquie will be giving a talk, Pregnancy: the mother of all experiences, and selling copies of her book at the Baby Show, Auckland’s ASB Showgrounds, August 20 at 1pm.
There are no rules that say you must breed.