How to take down National
It’s not easy being Left-wing in New Zealand at the moment. We’re currently focusing most of our efforts on cyber bullying John Key’s kids: it’s pretty bleak.
Labour and the Greens joining forces should be something I guess, if you add two parties together you can create a larger and more cohesive losing unit for 2017.
The one bright spot is that after a solid eight years in opposition the Labour Party have put together a comprehensive plan of what not to do.
One of the biggest pratfalls for Opposition attacks has been the economy. Labour can’t make any ground on this because for a majority of voters the economy has been fine, and unfortunately, children growing up in poverty can’t vote.
This also backfires because ‘‘John Key understands how to run an economy because he’s rich’’. Following this logic, the Mad Butcher and the Lady from the Big Save Furniture ads should be valuable economic advisors.
Another failure has been attempting to undermine the Government’s credibility: ‘‘No one trusts the Government’’. No crap!
Do you know who else no one trusts . . . you! Yes, you might think John Key has lied about the GCSB, but who cares, all politicians lie! Everyone lies! On Monday, someone asked if I had a big weekend and I said ‘‘Huge!’’ We all know I was lying inside on my laptop watching WW2 in Colour, but we don’t talk about it to suppress the sadness.
The Opposition needs to stop trying to find a knockout scandal that’s going to bring down the Government and focus on becoming a decent alternative. In 2016 there are tonnes of non-ponytail based embarrassments to attack the Government on: child poverty, rising inequality, the high cost of housing, and growing homelessness.
New Zealand has a lot of problems that need to be fixed and you could argue that a change of government is the best option.
The biggest mistake learned from this long drought in Opposition is the constant attacks on the Prime Minister. John Key is a great politician, even when he screws up he screws up in a way that is still politically popular. When he lost his mind and suggested Labour supported rapists, he was factually and morally wrong, but possibly something that resonates with the electorate.
The secret is to attack the tail. The National Party is set up like a human smuggling ring operation run out of a transit van. You put your smooth-talking driver in the front, and you drive around without anyone noticing the other 59 under-qualified talkback listeners packed in the back.
Let’s start with Cabinet, they’re tired and worn down. Bill English, Gerry Brownlee, and Nick Smith do not look good. Challenge them to a game of touch rugby followed by a game of smoke a pack of cigarettes, to get the blood pressure pumping!
Too cruel? How about trying the old-fashioned approach of asking questions and watching them struggle. Paula Bennett is the Minister of Social Housing. She was recently asked about people living in cars and her first plan was to tell people that it wasn’t that bad. This was an unusual response because it begs the follow-up question ‘‘If it’s not that bad, then why can’t you fix it?’’ It’s like watching a high jumper ask the judges to lower the bar, before tripping over and smashing their face into the crash pad.
Maybe Cabinet ministers are too hard. So try the back benches! Can I recommend 26-year-old former tobacco lobbyist, Todd Barclay: I reckon he’s way out of his depth!
Remember former Mount Albert candidate disaster Melissa Lee? Well, she’s in Government right now, keeping her head down hoping no one notices she’s there.
This same strategy works for New Zealand First. Strange, but true, they’ve got 11 MPs. Eleven! Ten people not named Winston Peters! I remember fondly the day of the flag debate when Winston was away and a NZ First genius stood up in the House and joined four Red Peak flags to make them into a swastika? I want to hear more of what that guy has to say.
The National Party is set up like a human smuggling ring operation . . . You put your smooth-talking driver in the front, and you drive around without anyone noticing the other 59 under-qualified talkback listeners packed in the back.