Our beaches put the sand into sandwiches

We love our beaches so much we’ll buy them.

Kotahi O Aotearoa. Beaches. We love them so much that nearly 40,000 of us bought one for the rest of us. So, yes we love our beaches. Let’s count the ways.

Beaches – they put the sand into sandwiches. They’re where you can build your very own castle without having to apply for resource consent. And they’re the national parade ground for Speedos and Speedon’ts.

Beaches. Where the land meets the sea, and the sea meets the sky. Where we enjoy long walks, according to every dating profile ever. And where charcoal is used to turn perfectly good sausages into yet more charcoal.

And while some barbecue miscellaneous meats, those of us that aren’t slipping, slopping and slapping are busy basting and baking ourselves. Or swimming. Or surfing (yes Manu Bay, thinking of you). Or getting kaimoana, or pipidigging or koura and frisbee catching. Or just plain frolicking.

But it’s not just about the variety of the moments we enjoy at the beach. Many of those moments are, well, momentous. If there were a nationwide register of lost and found beach items the largest number of lost items would be virginities. And next would be car keys. Come to think of it, there could well be a cause and effect correlation between those two items.

It says a lot about the place of beaches in Kiwi lore that we know which prime ministers are connected to which beaches. Rob Muldoon had his place at Otanerua / Hatfields Beach. And John Key has his place at Omaha Beach, or as it’s more accurately known, Parnell-by-the-Sea.

And, of course, we love to know that visiting celebrities love our beaches as much as we do, whether it be Macklemore at Cathedral Cove/Te Whanganui-aHei or Taylor Swift at Muriwai. Taylor Swift upset the dotterels at Muriwai which upset the locals which in turn upset commentators rueing that she hadn’t filmed her video at Te Hapa-a-Teira/Taylor’s Mistake.

Karekare holds a special place in our hearts as winner of an Oscar in 1994 for best symbolically brooding geographical feature in the movie The Piano. These days its neighbour, Piha, has its own reality TV show, one that should really feature the catchphrase ‘‘the tide has spoken’’.

And in the case of Awaroa Beach, nearly 40,000 folk not only spoke, they acted on their love of what all beaches mean for all New Zealanders. And we thank them for it.

❚ James Elliott is a lawyer, writer and comedian.