#Ask Jaquie
You’ve got to love ‘em when they’re little, no matter how difficult it might be, writes Jaquie Brown.
It’s like a scene from zombie series The Walking Dead. I’m writing to you from behind the locked bathroom door. Small, peanut butter-covered fists are pounding at it, making my head vibrate with their ferocity.
They want me. They’ll stop at nothing to get me. ’Mummmmmmmmmy !!!! He pushed me! Mummy, I need a drink of water! Mummy!!!’
At this point I don’t even care that the floor I’m sitting on might be covered in kid wee. I need some time to myself. It’s the last few days of the school holidays, both kids are home, sick. Help me.
The locked bathroom is my safe room and I’ll stay here for as long as it takes. I’ve already calculated how long I can survive in here on toothpaste alone. I’m good.
I know these kids, I know that if I stay quiet they’ll move on. So I’m tapping at my laptop very lightly to write this hoping they’ll think I’m asleep.
It’s one of the things that nobody tells you when you have kids, sometimes (most days) you’ll crave some time alone and the lengths you’ll to get it will, in hindsight, be hilarious. (Hindsight - when I’m dead)
The supermarket, for example. Despite the fluorescent lights, there’s an hour of quality alone time waiting for me in just squeezing bread and smelling deodorant lids. Driving alone in the car to collect toilet paper from the servo, even though our cupboard is fully stocked. Another chance to relax. Alone.
The truth of being a parent to young kids is that it’s so worthwhile, but it is relentless. Sometimes, from the weight of the day-to-day, I’m grumpy with tight shoulders. I don’t recognise myself and I wonder if I’ll ever see the old me again. The me that was fun and easy going and not always stressed. Maybe that part of me is gone forever. That thought worries me.
When it’s hard, I find myself wishing away the difficult years. Thinking it’ll be easier when the kids are older. Then I feel guilty. (what a surprise!) I know I shouldn’t wish this time away, and I know I’ll miss it when they are older and want nothing to do with me because I’m so uncool and embarrassing.
It’s just hard not to want to fast forward when you are tired and going deaf in one ear from being yelled at and pinched then climbed over whilst having food pushed into your eyeballs. But we all say these things to ourselves, don’t we. Things will be great once the kids are older, I’ve lost 5kg, paid off that loan, landed that job, got rid of that dead body in my car boot. We are all looking to the next thing, when things will be different.
I think my greatest challenge in life is to not wish any of it away. Life will always have its joys and struggles. I’m not going to love it all, I’m not insane. But I’d rather live it all fully, even the hard bits than to not have any of it. Because really, now is all we have. Right. I’m going to unlock the bathroom door and get back to the now. Wish me luck.
The truth of being a parent to young kids is that it's so worthwhile, but it is relentless.