Free will and testament
Hold the organ music, because this is my will: Please donate my body to Seaworld.
First of all, thank you, Jesus, that Radio New Zealand had a good result in the radio survey.
In a shrinking media market that’s dominated by talkback idiots and crackpot Facebook opinions, the fact that Radio NZ is the No. 1 news station is a huge relief! It has restored my faith in New Zealand. I’ve got few minor gripes (it’s more old, white and male than a National Party conference and they’re obsessed with native bird calls and Flying Nun Music. Don’t get me wrong, they’re both great). However, all things considered, RNZ is a Kiwi institution and I listen to it a lot. (Which is weird because I work on a competing radio station, the Edge; tune in some time if you want some light relief from the three-hour Euthanasia special.)
The problem is, good journalism can be hard to listen to. Balanced storytelling can be frustrating, leaving me more confused than I was when I started, which was already very confused.
The most recent story that has been tearing my heart in two is organ donation. New Zealand has a massive shortage of organs and huge waiting lists for people who need transplants. This is a big problem because we have a lot of diabetes people, or people with diabetes, as they are more commonly known, who need liver transplants. We also have an embarrassingly low rate of organ donation.
The reason this is such an incredibly frustrating problem is that it’s easily solvable if only some selfish dead people would just stop hogging their organs. Apparently, after death, the family becomes sentimentally attached to the liver of their relatives and choose to either burn or bury them instead. Obviously, that’s what God wanted and ticking a ‘‘donor’’ on your driver’s licence is about as much use as a writer who can’t think up good similes.
In multiple RNZ reports, I’ve heard that the most obvious solution is an ‘‘organ donor register’’ and in multiple reports I’ve heard that there is no evidence to suggest that they work, but that there is some evidence to suggest that they work. It’s very hard to know what to think.
Maybe I’m a bit of a fruitcake, but when I die, I want every useful part of my body put to use. Get amongst it! Have a hoon! Grab every part of me that’s mildly useful and shove it in some other poor person who desperately needs it. This is not a joke, this is my will.
Anything that can’t be donated to living people I want to be given to science. Anything science doesn’t want should be propped up Weekend at Bernie’s style, and packed into a circus cannon to be shot spectacularly into the shark tank at Seaworld as part of a live Easter weekend super show.
While we’re on the topic of my will, if I die, I hope my funeral will be a happy occasion! Use colour, have fun! I’m dead, ahhh well, I gave it a good bash. None of this ‘‘He was a light on a dark day’’ rubbish, I want the truth!
‘‘Guy had his good points, but let’s be honest he was a bit of a munter eh? I’m sad he’s gone, but in the grand scheme of things his contribution to the world was negligible.’’
I’m not a huge fan of open casket but do it if you think it’s going to lead to good selfies.
I’m getting sidetracked with how great my funeral is going to be, a classic problem, we need to focus on how we’re going to get people’s organs! I’ve always a big fan of dictatorship and I would be all for compulsory donation, or just rogue doctors taking a kidney or two out of the body while the family is grieving.
As we’ve probably gauged from the rest of this, whatever this is, I’m probably not qualified to make the final call on national organ transplant ethics. So while the Government is dilly-dallying it really is up to you, the individual, to make sure your organs are useful after you die.
Make it clear to your family that you want to help people after you go, ideally, in a will. It might be a bit awkward if you just bring it up at breakfast. Sea you at Seaworld!
'Maybe I'm a bit of a fruitcake, but when I die, I want every useful part of my body put to use.'