Crazy sign it’s a bundle of fun
Afraid that organised holidays are not your thing? Package-holiday sceptic Joanna Norris offers a beginner’s guide to Club Med.
The thought of group holidays have always filled me with a disdainful lipcurling dread. I’m vainly adventurous, stubbornly independent, and treat attempts by others to organise my leisure time with an unreasonable passive resistance.
Gritty, unpredictable, adventure stokes my fire, so where could a package holiday, with every need planned for, fit in to my travel mix? Surely Club Med holidays are best left to people other than me.
Yet when an opportunity arose to visit a Club Med in the Maldives I was intrigued to find out whether my deep-seated prejudice against package holidays was fair.
I was also quietly intrigued to visit a country that has the newsworthy attraction of being threatened by long-term rising sea levels.
Club Med Kani occupies a tiny, palm-covered island in the heart of the Indian Ocean southwest of Sri Lanka. It is just 1km by 250m and an easy place to ease into the unique culture of Club Med. So, fellow sceptics, here is a beginner’s guide – and some not-so-frequently asked questions – to the global phenomena that is Club Med.
I’ve heard of it, but what on Earth is this Club Med thing, really?
Club Meds are purpose-built holiday villages with their own curious culture. The 65 villages are dotted across some of the globe’s most desirable holiday locations, from the Mediterranean and French Alps, to Tunisia and Tahiti.
The first Club Med was established in the 1950s, but the concept really got rocking over the next 30 years, when people gravitated to no-hassle all-inclusive holidays.
I’m told Club Med is big on organised activities, but I’m a reclusive introvert, will I die of shame?
You probably won’t die. But there is every excuse for activity-induced exhaustion. The list of daily activities is longer than the list of reasons Clinton supporters hate Trump.
Activities depend on the resort (obviously don’t expect snorkelling in the French Alps), but many are common to all Club Meds. At Club Med Kani, a typical day could include: yoga on the beach, snorkelling, dance lessons, aqua aerobics, table tennis tournaments, Zumba, volleyball, a stage show, sailing, kayaking, or a uniquely Club Med experience known as Crazy Signs – a synchronised dance common to all Club Meds. (If you happen to want to out-class your fellow holiday-makers you can watch Crazy Signs on YouTube and practise the moves before you go.)
As a signed-up member of the introverts club, I reluctantly joined in most of the above activities. And a funny thing happened: toecurling, cringing embarrassment quickly gave way to only-on-holiday abandon as I realised that if the larger ladies from France could zum to Zumba beats, who was I to mock/judge/sneer. With a strategically-wrapped sarong and the balmy air of the Indian Ocean wafting around me, I realised there was fun to be had and there was no way I was missing out.
So far, so fun. But if the thought of leaping around in unison with peers from around the world leaves you with sweaty palms, you can actively avoid all this.
There is no compulsion to join in, there are plenty of places at Club Med resorts for quiet contemplation and relaxation away from Crazy Signs or crazy-anything.
I’m keen to try all that stuff, but I’m a massive overachiever and want to fit more in to my days and nights (sleep is for the weak-willed), what else can I try?
All of the activities above are included as part of the all-inclusive Club Med experience, but if all that’s not enough, you can dig out your wallet from the bottom of your suitcase, to try additional paid-for activities. At Club Med Kani these included lagoon trips, submarine excursions (yes, really), deep sea fishing, scenic flights, parasailing and jet-skiing among others. Still bored? Try reading a book.
I’m a party animal, will I be able to party like it’s 1999?
Each night, when the sun goes down, the party starts.
Club Med staff (known as Gentils Organisateurs (GO), or Gentle Organisers in English) pride themselves on their hospitality, and ability to pump up their guests to party. The staff put on a rhythmic stage show each night, followed by a DJ-led dance party. Like the daytime activities, this can be good fun, depending on your tastes, as guests from around the world dance in approximate unison.
Again, if this is not your scene, or if jet-lag stupefies you by sundown, you can hit the sack – no one is keeping score.
I’m a foodie/I have specific food requirements, will I be able to get what I want?
Plenitude is on the menu at Club Med. Buffets catering to tastes from around the world mean you cannot possibly go hungry. In fact, it is likely you will add a few kilos if you don’t burn it off doing Crazy Signs.
Specific dietary needs are well catered for, as are the culinary preferences of different cultures.
Authentic Chinese, Japanese, and Indian dishes are served for every meal of the day, as well as an impressive array targeted at Westerners. Stations are manned by chefs cooking specialities to order.
Fresh fruit and salad is plentiful, so too is booze. Beer, wine, and cocktails flow freely (included in the cost of your package) from Club Med bars.
Crikey, all that ‘‘free’’ stuff... this must cost a packet.
Club Meds are surprisingly reasonable, given that most activities, food, and drinks are included in the cost of package.
High-season and low-season prices apply at most resorts and you can get good deals if prepared to be flexible around your timing.
Club Med Kani has seven-night packages from $1876 a person (not including flights).
I have kids, will the resort be suitable for my free-spirited progeny?
Most Club Meds are really familyfriendly with activities and safe environments suited to little ones.
The resorts fall into three categories: family resorts with childspecific activities and kids’ clubs (where babysitters look after the wee ones); resorts without specific activities or kids’ clubs, but where children are welcome and able to participate in most activities; adults-only resorts, which tend to be quieter and suited to couples or groups looking for pure relaxation and activities away from the kids.
If you truly don’t want to see anyone under the age of 18, the latter category is the one for you, but even on family friendly resorts there is plenty of room to get away from anyone or anything that is not to your liking.
Some islands also have grown ups-only areas where tranquility is encouraged.
What do I wear?
Club Meds provide loosely for an evening dress code, but adherence to this is completely optional. The code each night is broad, cappuccino one night, red and black the next.
The only night when you may feel a real necessity to get with the crowd is the ‘‘all white’’ night. At Club Med Kani this was accompanied by candlelit dinner on the beach for the entire island, and there was something kind of special (or weirdly cultish) about hundreds of people dressed in white dining communally.
Wear what you want appropriate to the conditions, but keep in mind this is a holiday – no need to go too flashy.
I’m single, will I meet a soulmate?
You may. With all of that partying and relaxing going on, the chance of a holiday romance is high.
Some island resorts are completely self-contained with no contact with the outside world for the duration of your stay. Others are more integrated into mainland life and the chances of a serendipitous coupling are endless.
Many people we met were using their Club Med experience as a romantic couple’s holiday, while others were there with groups of singles enjoying the relaxation and after-dark socialising.
Can I take my mum?
I did. More than 20 years after leaving home, I took my mum on holiday. Just me and her and 20 hours of long-haul to chat about life. It was perfect. Club Med Kani was far enough to feel adventurous and easy enough to mean nothing got in the way of quality motherdaughter time.
Club Med is really very suitable for all ages and all levels of fitness. My mum happens to be super fit, but even if you or your mum is a disabled octogenarian, most Club Meds would be accessible.
So, package-holiday cynic, do you recommend Club Med?
I actually do. Would I book another? Yes, probably, if only to share it with the kids.
The experience is at times cheesy, but enjoyably so. If you have children, are older, or simply love bonding with people from around the world, and want a hassle-free experience, Club Med is a good option.
Because packages are allinclusive, the experience won’t challenge you in the way backpacking through the Third World will, but it will expose you to some delightful parts of the globe without any drama, leaving you free to concentrate on your Crazy Signs or to simply take time to relax.