To all the men I’ve loved before

Jaquie Brown writes an open letter to her exes, saying thanks for the memories.

My husband doesn’t like to know about who I dated before him. He likes to think I just arrived on the earth at the age we met and went into our relationship, pure. I love him for that, but I do have to tell him (and watch him cringe) that I am actually grateful for all the hundreds of men that went before him.

Hundreds? Come on. A select few. Grateful? Retrospectively.

I love that film Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind where Jim Carrey and Kate Winslet choose to erase their relationship and each other from their minds to stop the painful memories.

It’s a great concept, isn’t it? Getting rid of all the memories from your past that caused you grief. I’ve thought about this and if I were given the option I wouldn’t erase any of my past. No matter how heart-broken I was.

Because for all their faults, each of those relationships has helped me love properly, set my limits, work out what I want and don’t want, who I am and best of all, be amazing to be married to (this is yet to be fact-checked).

So if you’ll indulge me, I’d like to write a little open letter to my exes. ‘‘Hello past loves. ‘‘Yes, I am talking to you – Mister First Love, Mister Too Into Ironing, Mister Angry, Mister Fun, Mister Rebound. You were all so different, you all broke my heart in your own ways but I’m glad we happened because through all the tears and soulsearching and sad-song-listening you helped me work out how to be good in a long-term relationship. Essentially how to be good to me.

‘‘I learned a lot from you, for example; no matter what anyone says, it’s not necessary to iron your sheets before you sleep in them. I will not make you a sandwich if you demand it of me, because I am not your maid.

‘‘And I now know that if you are paranoid about someone seeing us in public together and brainstorm excuses you’ll use while we have our entree, it’s not because our love is so special it needs to be hidden, it’s because you are seeing someone else at the same time as me and don’t want to be caught. I know that now.

‘‘Years have passed and I’m friends with you all, mostly, and there are no hard feelings – apart from yours realising you let me get away. HA! Too late!

‘‘But seriously, thanks for the part you played. I’ll never wish those formative experiences away.

‘‘It’s hard looking back sometimes, but if we can move past the ‘what was I thinking?’ phase, there’s usually a good experience or a sneaky little life lesson waiting to be cried over, even if it does take the best part of ten years to see it.’’

I learned a lot from you, for example; no matter what anyone says, it's not necessary to iron your sheets before you sleep in them.

Oh, by the way, if you have nothing to do on Monday and your ears are in good working order, tune in to Newstalk ZB from 9-12. Sonia Gray and I will be taking over the airwaves talking all things Life and trying not to mess it up.