Eyes and ears on the National leadership challenge

Bill English hosted drinks for the National caucus on Friday, just a day after winning the battle to be Prime Minister. The spoof spies @GCSBIntercepts listened in. . .

Joyce: Great idea to host team Christmas drinks Bill. How’s Judith taking the leadership loss? English: She’s over-compensating, Steven. She’s smiling way too much and she’s invited me to a toga party next March, which is both very thoughtful and most unlike her. Joyce: Mind out. Here she comes. And it looks like she’s brought a plate. Collins: Hi Bill. I’ve baked. Especially for you. They’re called Lucrezia’s Lamingtons. Made from a 16th century Italian recipe. Have a couple. No, not you Gerry. They’re just for Bill. Brownlee: Sorry, Judith. Collins: You will be. In about 90 seconds. Joyce: So Bill, has the handover gone smoothly? English: Yes, very. John’s given me the codes and. . . Brownlee: We have codes? As Minister of Defence shouldn’t I have those, too? English: Not those kinds of codes Gerry. Codes to the Prime Minister’s private bathroom. Brownlee: OK, but you still need to give them to me. English: But you’re not Prime Minister. Brownlee: Yes, but I’ve had two of Judith’s lamingtons. English: OK, better out than in I think. Joyce: Speaking of out and in, I’m just relieved we keep our leader selection in-house in the Caucus. Not like Labour, letting every Tom, Dick and Harry have a say. Collins: Not true, Steven. The National leader must also have Mike Hosking’s personal endorsement and he said Bill doesn’t have a pulse. English: I thought having no pulse was something Hosking admired, given how heartless he is. Joyce: I agree, Bill, so you have unanimous support. But still I imagine you’ll be making some changes to protect your position as leader? English: Yes. I’m getting metal detectors installed in the Caucus meeting room next week. Joyce: Actually I was thinking more about a Cabinet reshuffle. English: Oh, right. Well it does make sense for the Minister for Social Housing to handle Transport as well. You know, two birds with one stone. Joyce: You mean consolidate Paula’s position and neutralise Simon? English: Well I was thinking about only one person having to pretend to care about people living in their cars at Christmas, but your idea works, too. Joyce: Speaking of Christmas Bill, what did you get from Secret Santa? English: A DVD. Joyce: Nice. Which one? English: Kill Bill. Collins: Have another lamington.