Mostly cheesy and crunchy
Scones were the only things that stopped this year from being the absolute pits, writes David Slack.
Before the internet, a Year in Review made a lot more sense. ‘‘Has it only been a year since that happened?’’ you would ask, as you turned the pages of your newspaper and relived it all: the disasters, the scandals, the unexpected deaths, the Macarena, all brought back to you by the magic of photos and the newspaper archive system.
But what is a year in review in the Internet age? Everything is just a Google search away and the past is is always with us. One click and it’s January again and we’re reading the shocking news that David Bowie has died and people are saying this year is already the pits and you think to yourself: boy, January. You had no idea.
Instead of a year in review, I have a question, one we might all ask ourselves: did I learn anything this year?
Yes. Yes I did. My year was full of learnings going forward, as people like to say in meeting rooms where you go to earn a living and die inside.
The most momentous one first: thanks to Annabel Langbein who is a genius. I discovered a recipe for cheese scones that uses just yoghurt, cheese and self-raising flour.
She is. She’s a genius. I can finally make a crunchy, chewy, cheese scone. That is all the consolation I need in a year where everything else went completely wrong. Go on, make that lying cheating bullying tub of corruption your President. I don’t care. I’ve got my scones.
I also learned that you can’t quit as Prime Minister and spend forty minutes giving a perfectly plausible explanation without everyone saying ‘‘yeah but what’s the real reason? Is it
I have a question, one we might all ask ourselves: did I learn anything this year?
a sex scandal? Is it a goat? How many goats?’’ Could it just be that he thinks it’s the right time and the family deserves it and it might stretch out the party’s time in office, and he’s left nothing in the tank and we won’t get fuelled again? Nah, tell us more about the goat.
Maybe a scandal will emerge and make a fool of me, maybe he just saw Winston in his future and chose a brighter one, but I’m puzzled. People said they liked him because he seemed a regular guy, but is he really like them at all if his large career choices make no sense to them?
I also learned that it’s not as easy as you think to read the news on the radio. Someone emailed me: ‘‘it was like you were on The Panel and Jim asked you to quickly read the news because the other guy just died’’. I think I’m getting the hang of it now but feel free to send constructive comment.
And this year I learned that news only has to more or less look the part for people to buy the most breathtaking stack of lies. Does it have a headline? Does it have paragraphs? Does it look like the CNN website? Well, then Hillary must be the actual head of a paedophile ring and I’d better get my rifle and head for the pizza parlour in Washington where she’s chained those poor children in the dungeon.
This is what it’s come to. We can’t even get common agreement on basic facts. Nothing is agreed to be real and people have been given permission to be unbelievably stupid and boy are they making the most of it.
Never mind. This year I also learned that the world is flat, and by that I mean the greatest joy you can have in all the world is to step onto an e-bike and discover how easy it is to go up and down hills and around the world. These bikes are going to change life as we know it; I really believe this.
The last time I had that sort of feeling was the day in 1995 when I got onto the world wide web and thought: this is great, I could be doing business with anyone, anywhere.
I showed all my friends. They said it’ll never catch on. Twenty short years later, here it is everywhere, spreading fake news and killing the newspaper business and maybe putting us in unimaginable peril although strangely enough leaving unmolested and unimpeded the mighty tradition of the year in review.